Changes.

12.09.2013

Today marks a bittersweet reminiscence that will forever be imprinted in my life......


(Bitter)
The night before I left was 'daggerish' , my heart has never been in as much pain, my eyes have never cried that many tears (enough for a bloody ice water bucket challenge). That was the first time I realised that a heart can actually ache, I held on to my chest and told my heart to behave..... It was trying to burst out. I choked and wept for what I was about to let go of..... What I was about to leave behind..... I have never been so afraid yet so certain..... I knew there was no turning back.

To be fair, I didn't just wake up one day and declare defeat. I am a fighter, I fought and hoped that something would change..... But nothing was changing, and patience is not a virtue I hold.
I spent days trying to work on it, but as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I got more dissociated and alone. Everything around me went on as normal and it seemed like I was fighting an enemy unseen.

It was the longest battle for me, but to him, it all happened so fast. Everything shifted within the blink of an eye..... It still is my biggest accomplishment; the bands I wore on my finger embodied something I strongly stood for and still believe in. I was proud of my title, my name..... Still am.
The weight of it still drags me down, like several tonnes of ball and chain I can't seem to shake off.


(Sweet)
Cutting the knot set my spirit free. I am proud of my transition and how strong this past year has made me..... It has come at a price and it would be totally understandable for me to be filled with venom and bile, but I am not.
Ofcourse there are those random moments that I look around and think to myself "Had he fought as much as I did (at the right time) we'd still be together and in wouldn't be out here dealing with all this s**t". It's only human.
But just like anyone who has ever had a piece of my heart, I gently folded him and placed him where only I can reach..... in my 'love box'.