Fix you.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Changes.

12.09.2013

Today marks a bittersweet reminiscence that will forever be imprinted in my life......


(Bitter)
The night before I left was 'daggerish' , my heart has never been in as much pain, my eyes have never cried that many tears (enough for a bloody ice water bucket challenge). That was the first time I realised that a heart can actually ache, I held on to my chest and told my heart to behave..... It was trying to burst out. I choked and wept for what I was about to let go of..... What I was about to leave behind..... I have never been so afraid yet so certain..... I knew there was no turning back.

To be fair, I didn't just wake up one day and declare defeat. I am a fighter, I fought and hoped that something would change..... But nothing was changing, and patience is not a virtue I hold.
I spent days trying to work on it, but as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I got more dissociated and alone. Everything around me went on as normal and it seemed like I was fighting an enemy unseen.

It was the longest battle for me, but to him, it all happened so fast. Everything shifted within the blink of an eye..... It still is my biggest accomplishment; the bands I wore on my finger embodied something I strongly stood for and still believe in. I was proud of my title, my name..... Still am.
The weight of it still drags me down, like several tonnes of ball and chain I can't seem to shake off.


(Sweet)
Cutting the knot set my spirit free. I am proud of my transition and how strong this past year has made me..... It has come at a price and it would be totally understandable for me to be filled with venom and bile, but I am not.
Ofcourse there are those random moments that I look around and think to myself "Had he fought as much as I did (at the right time) we'd still be together and in wouldn't be out here dealing with all this s**t". It's only human.
But just like anyone who has ever had a piece of my heart, I gently folded him and placed him where only I can reach..... in my 'love box'.

Let go..... With love.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I read the story of the two monks who were walking back to their monastery when they came to a ford at a stream. At the ford, a pretty farmer's daughter asked them to help her cross the stream as she did not want to get the mud on her new dress. The first monk ignored her and continued on his way remembering the strict rules of their order to not look at women. Without speaking, the second monk picked her up in his arms and carried her across the stream. He let her down on the other side and continued walking with the other monk. The first monk began to chastise him, asking him if he had forgotten the strict rules of their order. He kept referring to the incident all the way back to the monastery. As they reached the gateway of the monastery, he referred to the matter again. The second monk turned to him and said, "Are you still carrying the woman with you? I left her at the stream."

This insightful story inspired my writing tonight.....

We all deal with breakups contrarily and letting go is never easy;

1. Some of us get depressed and go into total seclusion..... What I call 'The mushroom life'.

2. Others go for the pocket because we know that that’s where it tends to hurt the most.....We take our partners to the ‘cleaners’ and clean them out of every hard earned penny they ever worked hard for.

3. Then there are those of us who have kids and use them as ammunition in the war, promising to make each other regret that we ever met.

4.  And lastly there are those who get into the "party like a rockstar" lifestyle - where we take numerous photos (and selfies) with random people, and post them on social media sites in an attempt of proving that we have moved on and are "happy" with our irrelevant new lives.

The truth comes out in the precincts of our own homes..... That is when it dawns on us just how much we are hurting and how heartbreaking and hard it is to lose someone we once loved or still love. We cry and choke, mourning what once was.

So why do some people get all stuck up about it and go on a vengeance trip? Why can't we accept that it actually 'is what it is' and although things did not work out we should at least be grateful for what we invested on each other?

Some of us would rather see our exes hanging with hooks tearing through their nipples and others would prefer wearing our ex's balls for earrings..... We quickly overlook that those are the same people we once cared for, made love to, and spent some of the happiness moments of our lives with. Unless someone mistreated you and mopped the floor with you, the line between love and hate doesn't need to be so thin. We should not venture out in a pursuit to abolish what we once strongly stood for.

What makes it so hard for us to keep on loving our exes and want the best for them? We can travel beyond the horizons looking for a 'clone' to fill our empty spaces, but when it's all said and done, we know where our hearts belong..... 

In each tear, there’s a lesson..... Dwelling on the past can greatly hinder your happiness and personal growth and there isn't much we can achieve by consecrating our lives to punishing someone else just because they were not the one for us. Cherish the great memories and let go of any knots you might have from a bad relationship, it is the only way you can ever be happy and appreciative of the next chapter in your life. 

Mistakes are gifts that show us the way forward..... Forgive, let loose and let go. 

My Badge.

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

When a friend shared about how her life was turned upside down when partner of many years left her when she shed off her weight, I thought it was preposterous..... I just didn’t get it. He wasn't happy with how she looked and desired her more when her feet were swelling and her back was constantly aching from the weight she was dragging around.

But then in a recent conversation a very close male friend, he expressed how upset his wife gets when he goes to the gym, she doesn't apprehend why he puts any effort in 'looking good' and doesn't like that her friends are always complementing him on how good his physique is (I can affirm that his body is electrifying.....Seriously)

Those two scenarios reminded me of me, I am the absolute opposite.

My generosity and dedication to “perfection” has on several occasions gotten me into trouble and can easily be misconstrued if the other party isn't appreciative and open to a little bit of positive change.

“Aren't you happy with how I look?” is a question I've always been scared of answering. I think anyone coming into my life is a work in progress and it is my duty to take some control and improve what needs to be improved instead of complaining about how I feel my partner should look..... YES I am guilty of “pimping”, but that doesn't mean anything other than wanting to be with a man who feels self-assured in how he looks.

I perceive a partner as a companion who should complement and represent me, as much as do the same for him. Therefore, I thrive and take great pride in making sure he looks his best, whether he is out with me, by himself, or with his friends.

I am lucky to have several languages of love, but my strongest one is giving, giving, giving and giving.....

I shop, groom, tweeze, trim, wax, and do anything necessary in making sure that my man feels great about himself and doesn't doubt my attraction to him. If need be, I’d drag him to the gym if I ever felt that his waist was getting wider than it should and I’d expect him to do the same.

Regrettably, some people are besotted with the desire of being the "saviour" and would rather see their partners gain flab, wear a sack and be deprived of a social life; anything to make them feel ‘relied on’ and reassured in their relationship. Many people like it when their partners have some “insecurity”..... Something that will make their partner climb to the highest peak and scream of how ‘lucky’ they are to have someone who ‘takes them like they are’, hence making them feel more powerful in the relationship.

My friends reckon I’d make a very good image consultant because I love transforming and filing down the jagged edges..... more like doing a makeover. "You enriched his life Tinda..... I bet he will forever be grateful for that" a very close friend said.

My man is my badge..... And I should wear my badge with poise and pride. NEXT!