In time..... In due time.

"Love is the most beautiful thing to have, the hardest thing
to earn and most painful thing to lose."

Love is a beautiful thing; it brings the best out of anyone in it. When you are habituated to spending most of your waking moments with someone they become an integral part of your life. Then all of a sudden you cannot last long without thinking about them..... And when that thought passes by you cannot help but smile. It makes you dream endlessly, everything suddenly looks achievable and the most difficult situations feel like a breeze to deal with. That is what being in love feels like.

But when two people who love each other decide not to keep on loving each other, the pain is excruciating. It feels like a million deaths. The ♪Baby don’t worry, about a thing♫ soundtrack suddenly comes to a halt and everything turns to a total disarray. Heartbreak galore..... A dark cloud is cast over you, your heart palpitates to no end, and your eyes tear up every time you think about them..... Very often.

You just want that episode erased from your mind but then you see them in everything you do, in the places you go, in the food you eat, in the clothes you wear, you see them everywhere.

Then you start looking for them.....Even in places you know they would never be. However, you don’t know what you would do if you saw them, you don’t know whether you would walk away or reach out for an embrace. You just don’t know.

You hope that somehow, the numbing pain will soon diminish and time will eventually cleanse all the injustices love has recently committed to you. 

But how long should you grieve for?..... You ask

yourself.

Time is the ultimate healer, and the ultimate killer.

"The only people who think there's a time limit for grief,
have never lost a piece of their heart.... Take your time.... Take all the time you need."

Ghost waters.....

As a child, I remember my mum driving and little me sitting on the passenger seat gazing onto the horizon; on clear sunny days, I'd vividly see a dazzling layer of what looked like the ocean.
Mum drove closer and the water wasn't there any more; not after the distance was covered. It had moved, it was a little bit further now. Somewhere back to the horizon.

I eventually asked mum about it and she explained that it was 'Ghost Waters'.

The kind of water that kept desert travellers alive, giving them hope that if they stretched a little bit more and reached out a little bit further they would eventually get rewarded; an Oasis of cool clear water surrounded by clusters of date palms and peach trees was awaiting.
They could almost hear the droning sounds from the rainbow coloured dragonflies as they swooped across the water and the humming sounds of the beautiful hummingbirds as they dove their beaks into the colourful petals of the hibiscus looking for sweet nectar.
They could almost hear the palm tree leaves rattling, inviting them in for a drink.
Such is life,  a façade of ghost waters awaiting our arrival..... And just when we think we have reached our destination, the distance doubles and we realise that we have to work harder.
But we keep marching on, until we eventually get to our Oasis.

“Trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.” ― Molière

In pursuit of ME

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~Alan Alda

Summer is the worst time to be single. The warm weather screams 'romantic getaways', 'dating', 'strawberries and cream'..... Basically, the weather screams "If you are single, you are screwed!".

Years of relying on people to 'occupy' my time have resulted in me believing that other people are the source of my comfort and happiness, which has eventually led to me being a socially-spineless human being who can not function well without someone else's assistance.
A simple example is the fact that I can not comfortably go on a solo night out because I can't fathom the idea of a hot looking, (giggle) well dressed me sitting on my own in a dimly lit pub sipping on a glass (or several) of wine without looking like I am either 'searching' or I've been 'stood up'.

Before settling down in the UK, I had never been alone and had always been in some kind of relationship.
My Kenyan days were quite 'spur-of-the -moment' and I'd meet up with friends for impromptu weekday lunches, go out on random nights and spend the weekend with my family, boyfriend or friends; so I was quite spoilt in that sense because I never lacked something to do or someone to spend my time with..... My social life could have easily been summed up by the words "Definitely" , "Just pop in" and "I'm easy". I will never take that for granted.

Being in the UK changed the dynamics of my social life because life is not as spontaneous here as it was back home. Every minute is accounted for and every activity is strategically diarised; meaning I have to book diary slots with my friends and since I am not one to plan in advance, I am mostly left in a situation where my friends' "mental diaries" are fully booked up and I don't have someone to do things with which in all sincerity makes me feel a bit bewildered and misplaced.
So I eventually smelt my horrible coffee yesterday and came to a realisation that I actually don't know how to be ALONE; my sad-ish discovery let me to my best friend Mr.Google, where I typed in the words..... 'HOW TO ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY'.

"Know thyself" — a maxim as pernicious as it is odious. A person observing himself would arrest his own development. Any caterpillar who tried to "know himself" would never become a butterfly. ~André Gide, Nouvelles Nourritures

The look of amusement on Lillian's face when I told her what I had Googled was priceless.
She couldn't visualise me logging onto Google and typing in the words 'How-to-enjoy-my-own-company'. The comical thing about my search is that as soon as I typed in 'How to enjoy.......' the search engine auto-filled the rest of the words for me; meaning that I am not the only person who has scoured the internet frantic to know what to do with myself.
We laughed and talked about it and came to a conclusion that most people don't know how to enjoy their own company.
We live in a society where we are socially dependent on other people and most of us hardly know how to independently approach social situations without breaking a sweat.

The few articles I read were singing from the same common sense hymn book. They told me to;
Exercise
Go on a holiday by myself
Meditate and join a yoga class
Cook
Have my own date-night
Listen to different genres of music
Learn a new language
Learn something other than a new language
Write a journal
Sit in silence even if it hurts
Get a pet
Join an on-line chatting room
Spend a few minutes everyday talking to myself
Look into the mirror every morning and declare my love to myself
Read
Read some more
(and if I do all that and still cant seem to get pleasure from my own company...... Jump off a cliff.)

Although I do some of those things, what these life Gurus are simply implying is that I should metamorphosize to an outgoing polyglot who writes, cooks, works out in the gym, loves the outdoors, has a pet and spends her time hanging upside down like a bat in-front of a mirror while chatting to internet strangers.
Well..... It's tricky, but most of it makes sense. In short, I ought to GET A LIFE.

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts."~K.T. Jong

Back to self reflection,
I don't want to feel "lost" every time someone I am used to spending most of my days with is no longer with me, neither do I want to feel like it's Armageddon because I can't seem to figure out what to do with myself.
Spending some time with me and enjoying my own company should bring a whole new level of intimacy and vigour into my life; something I am clearly lacking.

I have to become conscious of the fact that I am a person, a whole being, and I need to start treating myself like I would treat anyone I love and care about.
I need to stop seeking my value through other people's viewpoint and spend more time reflecting and listening to my inner voice, my voice of reason.
Being alone with my thoughts and feelings can be startling but I need to jump over that hurdle and make my company a sanctuary.....Not a prison.

I will let go of my fear..... I will accept me..... I will enjoy me.

"Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile." ~Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance, 1893

"Situation" #SOS

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

― Maya Angelou

 It is 5:30 a.m and I am yet to sleep.....

I spent most of my night reflecting on my current "situation" and wondering how I ended up in this state of utter pandemonium. I've never thought of myself as somebody who would pass on the buck or let someone else take the blame for all the hiccups in my life.... I've had a fairly easy life and can say that I am 100% liable for everything that has happened in my past, but my present is a whole 'nother beast.

 I've had the most turbulent few months of my life, and it surprisingly has gotten me feeling like a rag doll that ended up in a rampant Rottweiler's mouth.

I've never been so emotionally jaded in my entire life. My heart has ached, my head has been feeling like it is playing host to a hard metal rock band and everything has come to a sudden standstill. My family and friends have been 'shelved' and the only thing that currently has a percentage of my attention is my job; reason being it pays the bills.

  “Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.” ― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

I was having a heart-to-heart chat tonight with my friend Lavender, and she asked me "So Tinda, what are you planning on doing?"..... I've been asked many questions in my life but I have never lacked an answer like I did for this question. I literally felt like a deer in the headlights; speechless and stunned. I might as well walk around with a t-shirt with the words 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO' because that is sincerely how I am feeling.

Most of my friends are actually surprised that I am in this situation..... Had it been one of them I'd have told them to get their shit together and move on.

 I'm dog-tired, I'm totally worn out..... I must have done something really awful in my past life. Then I think to myself, loving someone else shouldn't be this difficult, and if it is, then I am better off keeping it all to myself.

It is time for me to love me..... Everyone else can wait their turn.

6:00 a.m time to sleep.

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou