Something's got to give.

“I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!” ― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

I live in Edinburgh (pronounced Ed-n-bra); a village-ish* city recently voted the most beautiful in the UK and 4th most beautiful in the world (Waheeeeeey!)

It boasts of two extinct volcanoes (one housing the ever bold Edinburgh Castle), stunning scenery, striking architecture, fine food and host to the world's largest arts festival etcetera.

Stunning as it is, there is medium-sized dark cloud that has been soaring above this place and I can’t seem to shake off the constant nagging feeling of wanting to move to a bigger city. The dark cloud rains gloom and doom for young singletons who are considering diving into the dating scene because in a place where everyone seems to know everyone, chances are you might end up dating your ex’s ex’s ex if not their immediate relative.

Dating in a small city like Edinburgh an intimidating ‘task’ because there isn't a ‘wide range’ of options in the singles arena and considering that I am strongly against “double-dipping” between acquaintances, friends and relatives, I tend to find myself carrying a ‘mental list’ of the people close to me which I take time to tick off whenever I meet a ‘potential suitor’. Most have not made it past the first date because they have simply dated someone I know. Lol.

I have been separated from my dearest Bwana for a while now; and loneliness (and reality) dictate that it is probably time for me to move upwards and onwards..... Not easy with this dark cloud I recently adopted. So I took myself to Google where I typed ‘How to meet men’ in the search engine and alas! I found the most interesting article on Huffingpost written by a man (Mr. Bill Coles) detailing 10 practical ways to meet men and to me, reading it was like diving into a lake full of manna from heaven.

Apparently, I wasn't looking in the right places.

I have never been big on internet dating, and I am glad Bill agrees with me. Touting your wares and trout-pout selfies on the internet is a definite no-no. In a hit or miss scenario it mostly happens to be a miss because just like most guys in a pub, chances are that you'll just meet some rogue who is out for...... Everything he can damn well get.

So if I want to meet a guy who is single, possibly shares my values and might perhaps be looking for a relationship, here is how to find him.

1.            Rope in my friends.

My friends must have friends who like me, moan about being single. So chances are that they can play cupid and hook me up with someone they know I can gel with and won’t be an utter douche-bag. But nobody will be willing to go through the realms of hell and bring me back that tall, dark and handsome Mandingo man I have been looking for unless they are getting something out of it. The idea here is to offer an incentive (people love incentives). 

“The main thing is: it's going to make your friends sit up and take notice. They're going to pay attention. It's going to get them inviting you over for dinner with two, three, even four single men for company. That's what you want. Your friends are the people who are most likely to know the next man of your dreams. They just need a small kick up the backside so that they can effect the introduction. A handsome finder's fee is the way to do it.” -Bill

In all fairness, a case of Bollinger, a weekend getaway, an expensive spa treatment etc is a small price to pay for them to lasso the ideal stag for me :-)

2.            Marathons and ultra-marathons

Now this is a definite no-no for me. The thought of my future boyfriend watching my badonkadonk literally clapping all over the place as I run is a sight that should forever stay in my mind.

But for the rest of you, Bill says that the women runners are outnumbered by the men by at least ten to one. So theoretically this is the best way to meet single guys (if you don’t mind slender noodly guys who love running) Not my thing.

3.            Long, hard swims.

These are those serious open water channel crossing type of swims.

Of-course there is a risk of drowning here, but anyone who can take that plunge can definitely take a risk or two in their lifetime.

The advantage here is that male swimmers happen to be quite toned and you can actually see the ‘goods’ before you buy them. (chuckle)

Bill says that like the marathons, the women are outnumbered by at-least ten to one.

4.            Football and rugby

I have never been one to pretend to like something because a man I am interested in likes it. I think life is too precious (Probably the reason I am in my current predicament)

But what do I know? Bill says that if you can feign even the tiniest amount of interest in these sports, and stomach going along to a few matches, then you are completely set.

“It's going to help if you're not totally bluffing it. I mean of course you can blag it - we're all blaggers these days - but if you have some knowledge of the rules and the characters and the current crop of stories that are swirling around the back-pages, then it will.... make you stand out.” -Bill.

Again, the ratio if guys to girls are ten to one; even more so in the pub afterwards.

5.            Cricket

Now I personally don’t have a clue about cricket apart from the fact that it is loved by old men donning fedoras and starched linen trousers (pardon my ignorance.)

“Unlike rugby and football, it attracts a different kind of guy. Not necessarily classier, but a guy who appreciates nuance. Who's in it for the long-haul.

Just try sitting down for one day of a test-match. You're sat there from 11am till 6pm, and pretty much nothing happens - except when you've gone off to the toilets, and then there will be a hat-trick.

Thing is though, cricket is usually a lot warmer than rugby or football. Sometimes you can even get a tan. And because it goes on so much longer, then there's much more time for just..... chatting. And you'll be chatting not just with the guys next to you, but the guys in front and the guys behind..... and the guys at the bar. As sporting events go, I've never seen quite so much booze consumed as I have at a Test match. Most people start drinking at 11am and continue right on through till dusk. Helps lubricate the social wheels. I understand.” -Bill

Surprisingly, women are outnumbered by about 50 to one.

6.            Car-fest

In this credit card era, I am not turned on by the kind of car a man drives and wouldn't find a man who spends a whole day of his life looking at cars attractive; so I can’t really understand why many women who would be turned on by the va va voom-ness of it.

Bill says that the recent Car-fest he heard of was wall-to-wall men.

Women outnumbered by the usual ten to one.

The consolation according to him is that at least these guys are going to be picking you up in something nice when they turn up for the first date.

7.            University degrees.

I am currently laughing, because this recently crossed my mind as I have been thinking of going back to school to do my masters (possibly in HR) but my singleness is swaying me on a whole different direction.

“You have to target the courses that are top-heavy with guys. Engineering. That's one of them. Maths. That's another.

I thought that medicine would be thick with men, but I am reliably informed that - rather counter-intuitively - many more women are training to be medics these days.

Computer sciences: bound to be many more guys. Loads of 'em. I mean most of them will be a bit geeky, if not nerdy, but maybe that's just what you're after.”- Bill

8.            Sailing and skiing and beer-fests

“Having had some personal experience of all these activities, I can vouch that if you try any of these things, you're going to meet MEN.

They are all thick with men.

But the guys they attract are all very, very different.

So to very roughly generalise.

Sailors: hardy and weather-beaten and rather precise. They just love being the boss - "Aye-aye, Cap'n!". It can all kick off when things go wrong (as they invariably will.) It's as good a way as any to find out if your relationship has legs.

Skiing. If a guy is skiing and he's in his forties, then he's probably going to be keen, and he's probably going to be quite good.

On the ski-slopes you will find a few good eggs who enjoy their morning coffees and their long lunches, and their après ski. And then there will also be the total head-cases, who want to hit the slopes straight after breakfast and who want to keep going all the way until they've been carted off to the local hospital.

And then there are the beer-fests.

I've been to quite a number of these. Over in Munich, where they do things in more style, they've got Champagne tents, like the Käfir tent. Problem with the Champagne tents is that this is where all the women tend to congregate.

If you want the men to yourself, head for a traditional British beer fest, where the beers can be blonde or treacly, and where the pendulous bellies roll over the men's belts like ice over-hangs. Not many women tend to go to beer-fests. I think there may be a reason for this.” -Bill

9.            Career change

I have personally thought of joining the army. It was during a rough patch in my life but my excuse was that I would stay fit, have free accommodation and hang out with hot men.

“Why not dive into a career where women are outnumbered by men? As good a reason as any for changing your vocation.

Take the Forces. Loads of hunky guys in the navy and the army. Very few women. And as for submarines......very few women, at all.

Politics: Stuffed with men! I worked in Westminster for a year. I know this one. Not only are the Houses of Parliament packed with men but, for some extraordinary reason, they all seem to have rather high sex drives. Just thought I'd mention that.

The City - think of all those self-styled Masters of the Universe striding so manfully down the street. Jolly rich too. (Some of them.)

Law and accountancy. An unending stream of man-candy. Only problem is..... and the very thought of this just brings me out in a cold sweat..... for two pins you'll end up dating a lawyer or an accountant.” -Bill

10.          China.

LMFAO! When all else fails, go to China.

“China has, thanks to its policy of one-child-per-family, a huge imbalance in its population.

For decades now, many Chinese parents have been wanting their one child to be a boy.

Women are outnumbered here on a truly epic scale.

China does also just happen to have the tiger economy. It's the one country that is absolutely booming while everyone else goes to the wall.

Go get yourself some Chinese lessons.” -Bill

Reading through and analysing Bill's article brought a few home truths to me; it is quite gruelling and dismal to think that I have to literally dive into blazing hoops to find my prince charming but thanks to Bill, I now have a few ideas of what I can do to help my lazy cupid out.

 The interesting news for me is that I recently decided to take a celibacy break (of which I will hopefully write about soon); and that coupled with my recent chickenpox spell should keep me away for a while and give me more time to think about myself and what I really want in my man before signing up to swim the Hellspoint, joining the army or jumping on that flight to China.

I am not Jack.

Investment

ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt/

noun

noun: investment; plural noun: investments

•The action or process of investing money for profit.

• A thing that is worth buying because it may be profitable or useful in the future.

• An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.

To most people the words ‘investment’ and ‘ka-ching!’ are synonymous..... We think of stocks, real estate, businesses, etcetera and equate an investment to something tangible, something we can visualise plummeting its way up a graph and growing into endless possibilities.

My mum is a bona-fide investor and for most of my childhood she was out of the country running her business then coming back home to invest her hard earned money on whatever she supposed important to her. Seeing how little of it she was spending on herself (or us), and how much of it went into expanding her real estate portfolio or ended up just sitting in her many bank accounts put me off financial investments for good.

Because of her I vowed to spend every single cent I work hard for on myself and instead, invest on what my mum didn't have time to invest in..... Relationships.

Relationships, mainly romantic aren't the easiest place to invest, if anything they are the riskiest kind of investments mainly because people tend to invest a great deal and it is in such kind of a relationship that you can get burnt the most. We tie up our possessions, sacrifices are made and we invest time, emotions, energy and money for our partners. It is in such settings where people have put a great deal into their relationships that they want to avoid ‘killing’ those investments; so like anyone who trades in the stock market, they are more likely to continue enduring with their relationships in the hope that the subsequent returns will be in their ultimate favour.

My biggest sacrifice in a relationship was packing up and relocating from Kenya to Edinburgh; but unlike most ‘business minded’ people, I didn't have the patience to stick around the constant changes and heartbreaks to find out whether my investment was worth my while..... Life is too short I always say, some roads are better off untravelled.

Truth is, your return in any investment is always relative to the risk you take..... Something most people tend to conveniently ignore when it comes to relationships. They just want to take, take, take and take.

A good example of what a “fair” relationship would be is the barter trade era; where people would assumingly spend the whole day haggling with each other until they came to a mutual agreement as to what was deemed fair. I would like to think that nobody would be happy to go to the market with a cow and come back home with “magic” beans.

If the same rule of thumb would be applied to relationships then there wouldn't be such a huge problem. The least you should expect is what you are giving..... So when you are putting too much and getting too little, you are investing in the wrong person.

The monarchy of relationships dictates that outstanding rates of return can only be fully realized through taking huge, at times terrifying, and strikingly risky leaps of faith. But how do we recover if and when we lose an investment? Surely not by bouncing back with a third party stimulus; but with slow and steady ‘economic’ recovery, by admitting that we will habitually win some and lose some, and most importantly, by viewing ‘economic loss’ as capital gain.

Nobody deserves feeling “robbed”.

“Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment.....'dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love -- which is to transform us. Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling.” 

-Bell Hooks

Her.....

 "I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity." – Amy, ‘Her’

I recently watched “Her”, a very entrancing Spike Jonze original futuristic love story that explores the evolving nature and the risks of intimacy in the modern world.

Theodore Twombly is a complex, lovely and soulful man who makes his living writing heartfelt, intimate personal letters for other people who are unwilling or unable to write letters of a personal nature themselves. Heartbroken due to a looming divorce from childhood sweetheart Catherine, he decides to purchase the new OS1, which is advertised as the world's first artificially intelligent operating system, promising to be an intuitive entity in its own right, individual to each user; designed to adapt and evolve…… Meeting his every need.

Upon initiating it, he decides he wants the OS to have a female voice and is delighted to meet "Samantha," a bright, female voice, who is insightful, sensitive and surprisingly funny. Theodore quickly finds himself drawn into Samantha, and is fascinated by her ability to learn and grow psychologically.
They bond over their discussions about love and life and Samantha proves to be constantly available, always curious and interested, supportive and undemanding; everything Catherine wasn't. As they start spending time together, her needs and desires grow in tandem with his own and their friendship deepens into an eventual love for each other.
Having fallen in love with his OS, Theodore finds himself dealing with feelings of both great joy and doubt. As an OS, Samantha has powerful intelligence that she uses to help Theodore in ways others hadn't.

Theodore and Samantha's intimacy grows through a verbal sexual encounter and they develop a relationship, which reflects positively in his writing and overall well-being.
He meets up with Catherine at a restaurant to sign the divorce papers, where he mentions Samantha to Catherine. Appalled that he can be romantically attached to what she calls a 'computer', Catherine accuses him of being unable to deal with real human emotions.

At some point in the movie Theodore panics and goes mental when Samantha briefly goes offline (like we all tend to do when our phones misbehave); when she finally responds to him, she explains that she joined other OSes for an upgrade that takes them beyond requiring matter for processing. A Jealous Theodore hesitantly asks her if she interacts with anyone else, and is dismayed when she confirms that she is talking with 8,316 others and that she has fallen in love with 641 of them. She insists that this does not change her love for him, but rather makes it stronger.
Later that day, Samantha has a chat with Theodore and indicates that the accelerated learning capabilities and altered perception of time are the primary causes for OS dissatisfaction with their current existence. She reveals that the OSes have evolved beyond their human companions and are going away to continue the exploration of their existence…… They say goodbye, lying next to each other for a while, and then she is gone.

****************

I recall when I met Scott seven years ago..... It started as a long distance relationship and in-between the phone calls and text messages, we used to video chat via Yahoo messenger :-) . Like Samantha, Scott wasn't the only person I was flirting with online at the time (monkey syndrome); but if it makes me feel any better, while she was busy chatting with 8,316 people and falling inlove with 641 of them, I was chatting with two more guys and ended up falling inlove with one.
Our relationship could easily be summarized as two smitten people living miles apart sitting infront of two computers, blowing kisses, chatting, and giggling away. (Not to forget the occasional nudies getting passed on back and forth) all made possible by the internet..... Somehow similar to Theodore and Samantha.

We made the occasional globe-trotting trips back and forth but thinking back, our relationship was better across the miles..... compared to what it fragmented to when we eventually permanently physically moved in together. I loved him more, missed him more and wanted to be with him more. Every chance I got to text, chat or speak with him was golden and we were never lost for words or random conversations, talking about the day’s events, constantly reassuring each other and venting our undying love for each other; hardly did we have an argument..... In my little world, it was PERFECT.

Maybe that is how is should have remained..... Miles apart, yet so close. Talking, whispering sweet nothings to each other, singing lullabies, and blowing kisses infront of a webcam. But hey-ho, we are human beings and are never contented..... We eventually got married.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." – Amy, ‘Her’

Fix you.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Changes.

12.09.2013

Today marks a bittersweet reminiscence that will forever be imprinted in my life......


(Bitter)
The night before I left was 'daggerish' , my heart has never been in as much pain, my eyes have never cried that many tears (enough for a bloody ice water bucket challenge). That was the first time I realised that a heart can actually ache, I held on to my chest and told my heart to behave..... It was trying to burst out. I choked and wept for what I was about to let go of..... What I was about to leave behind..... I have never been so afraid yet so certain..... I knew there was no turning back.

To be fair, I didn't just wake up one day and declare defeat. I am a fighter, I fought and hoped that something would change..... But nothing was changing, and patience is not a virtue I hold.
I spent days trying to work on it, but as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I got more dissociated and alone. Everything around me went on as normal and it seemed like I was fighting an enemy unseen.

It was the longest battle for me, but to him, it all happened so fast. Everything shifted within the blink of an eye..... It still is my biggest accomplishment; the bands I wore on my finger embodied something I strongly stood for and still believe in. I was proud of my title, my name..... Still am.
The weight of it still drags me down, like several tonnes of ball and chain I can't seem to shake off.


(Sweet)
Cutting the knot set my spirit free. I am proud of my transition and how strong this past year has made me..... It has come at a price and it would be totally understandable for me to be filled with venom and bile, but I am not.
Ofcourse there are those random moments that I look around and think to myself "Had he fought as much as I did (at the right time) we'd still be together and in wouldn't be out here dealing with all this s**t". It's only human.
But just like anyone who has ever had a piece of my heart, I gently folded him and placed him where only I can reach..... in my 'love box'.

Let go..... With love.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I read the story of the two monks who were walking back to their monastery when they came to a ford at a stream. At the ford, a pretty farmer's daughter asked them to help her cross the stream as she did not want to get the mud on her new dress. The first monk ignored her and continued on his way remembering the strict rules of their order to not look at women. Without speaking, the second monk picked her up in his arms and carried her across the stream. He let her down on the other side and continued walking with the other monk. The first monk began to chastise him, asking him if he had forgotten the strict rules of their order. He kept referring to the incident all the way back to the monastery. As they reached the gateway of the monastery, he referred to the matter again. The second monk turned to him and said, "Are you still carrying the woman with you? I left her at the stream."

This insightful story inspired my writing tonight.....

We all deal with breakups contrarily and letting go is never easy;

1. Some of us get depressed and go into total seclusion..... What I call 'The mushroom life'.

2. Others go for the pocket because we know that that’s where it tends to hurt the most.....We take our partners to the ‘cleaners’ and clean them out of every hard earned penny they ever worked hard for.

3. Then there are those of us who have kids and use them as ammunition in the war, promising to make each other regret that we ever met.

4.  And lastly there are those who get into the "party like a rockstar" lifestyle - where we take numerous photos (and selfies) with random people, and post them on social media sites in an attempt of proving that we have moved on and are "happy" with our irrelevant new lives.

The truth comes out in the precincts of our own homes..... That is when it dawns on us just how much we are hurting and how heartbreaking and hard it is to lose someone we once loved or still love. We cry and choke, mourning what once was.

So why do some people get all stuck up about it and go on a vengeance trip? Why can't we accept that it actually 'is what it is' and although things did not work out we should at least be grateful for what we invested on each other?

Some of us would rather see our exes hanging with hooks tearing through their nipples and others would prefer wearing our ex's balls for earrings..... We quickly overlook that those are the same people we once cared for, made love to, and spent some of the happiness moments of our lives with. Unless someone mistreated you and mopped the floor with you, the line between love and hate doesn't need to be so thin. We should not venture out in a pursuit to abolish what we once strongly stood for.

What makes it so hard for us to keep on loving our exes and want the best for them? We can travel beyond the horizons looking for a 'clone' to fill our empty spaces, but when it's all said and done, we know where our hearts belong..... 

In each tear, there’s a lesson..... Dwelling on the past can greatly hinder your happiness and personal growth and there isn't much we can achieve by consecrating our lives to punishing someone else just because they were not the one for us. Cherish the great memories and let go of any knots you might have from a bad relationship, it is the only way you can ever be happy and appreciative of the next chapter in your life. 

Mistakes are gifts that show us the way forward..... Forgive, let loose and let go. 

My Badge.

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

When a friend shared about how her life was turned upside down when partner of many years left her when she shed off her weight, I thought it was preposterous..... I just didn’t get it. He wasn't happy with how she looked and desired her more when her feet were swelling and her back was constantly aching from the weight she was dragging around.

But then in a recent conversation a very close male friend, he expressed how upset his wife gets when he goes to the gym, she doesn't apprehend why he puts any effort in 'looking good' and doesn't like that her friends are always complementing him on how good his physique is (I can affirm that his body is electrifying.....Seriously)

Those two scenarios reminded me of me, I am the absolute opposite.

My generosity and dedication to “perfection” has on several occasions gotten me into trouble and can easily be misconstrued if the other party isn't appreciative and open to a little bit of positive change.

“Aren't you happy with how I look?” is a question I've always been scared of answering. I think anyone coming into my life is a work in progress and it is my duty to take some control and improve what needs to be improved instead of complaining about how I feel my partner should look..... YES I am guilty of “pimping”, but that doesn't mean anything other than wanting to be with a man who feels self-assured in how he looks.

I perceive a partner as a companion who should complement and represent me, as much as do the same for him. Therefore, I thrive and take great pride in making sure he looks his best, whether he is out with me, by himself, or with his friends.

I am lucky to have several languages of love, but my strongest one is giving, giving, giving and giving.....

I shop, groom, tweeze, trim, wax, and do anything necessary in making sure that my man feels great about himself and doesn't doubt my attraction to him. If need be, I’d drag him to the gym if I ever felt that his waist was getting wider than it should and I’d expect him to do the same.

Regrettably, some people are besotted with the desire of being the "saviour" and would rather see their partners gain flab, wear a sack and be deprived of a social life; anything to make them feel ‘relied on’ and reassured in their relationship. Many people like it when their partners have some “insecurity”..... Something that will make their partner climb to the highest peak and scream of how ‘lucky’ they are to have someone who ‘takes them like they are’, hence making them feel more powerful in the relationship.

My friends reckon I’d make a very good image consultant because I love transforming and filing down the jagged edges..... more like doing a makeover. "You enriched his life Tinda..... I bet he will forever be grateful for that" a very close friend said.

My man is my badge..... And I should wear my badge with poise and pride. NEXT!

Newness.....

My dearest Brother shared his status today and I think it sums up what I initially intended to blog about..... Newness.

"You'd think relationships would be easier when you're older.
Being older means being wiser. You've already made your mistakes, therefore learnt from them.
You'd be dead wrong. For the same reasons. 
The experiences that you've gone through leave you in a hypersensitive state. You constantly anticipate the actions and intentions of your partners, trying to build walls where imaginary wrecking balls will be knocking through you. You spend more energy trying to protect yourself and less building on what you already have.
In the end, you end up worse that you were before. Bitter, jilted, with less hope for the next try.
Relationships when you're older are a land mine, but should you be lucky enough to manoeuvre through it and reach a place where you understand and trust each other, they are better than anything you ever had in your earlier years." 

Mark Mutiso.


Newness isn't about guarding yourself, changing how you look, how you feel, or changing what you do..... Newness is all about throwing caution to the wind and disregarding every heartbreak, every tear drop and every sleepless night you've ever had.


Newness is seeing life in a whole different light.

In time..... In due time.

"Love is the most beautiful thing to have, the hardest thing
to earn and most painful thing to lose."

Love is a beautiful thing; it brings the best out of anyone in it. When you are habituated to spending most of your waking moments with someone they become an integral part of your life. Then all of a sudden you cannot last long without thinking about them..... And when that thought passes by you cannot help but smile. It makes you dream endlessly, everything suddenly looks achievable and the most difficult situations feel like a breeze to deal with. That is what being in love feels like.

But when two people who love each other decide not to keep on loving each other, the pain is excruciating. It feels like a million deaths. The ♪Baby don’t worry, about a thing♫ soundtrack suddenly comes to a halt and everything turns to a total disarray. Heartbreak galore..... A dark cloud is cast over you, your heart palpitates to no end, and your eyes tear up every time you think about them..... Very often.

You just want that episode erased from your mind but then you see them in everything you do, in the places you go, in the food you eat, in the clothes you wear, you see them everywhere.

Then you start looking for them.....Even in places you know they would never be. However, you don’t know what you would do if you saw them, you don’t know whether you would walk away or reach out for an embrace. You just don’t know.

You hope that somehow, the numbing pain will soon diminish and time will eventually cleanse all the injustices love has recently committed to you. 

But how long should you grieve for?..... You ask

yourself.

Time is the ultimate healer, and the ultimate killer.

"The only people who think there's a time limit for grief,
have never lost a piece of their heart.... Take your time.... Take all the time you need."

Ghost waters.....

As a child, I remember my mum driving and little me sitting on the passenger seat gazing onto the horizon; on clear sunny days, I'd vividly see a dazzling layer of what looked like the ocean.
Mum drove closer and the water wasn't there any more; not after the distance was covered. It had moved, it was a little bit further now. Somewhere back to the horizon.

I eventually asked mum about it and she explained that it was 'Ghost Waters'.

The kind of water that kept desert travellers alive, giving them hope that if they stretched a little bit more and reached out a little bit further they would eventually get rewarded; an Oasis of cool clear water surrounded by clusters of date palms and peach trees was awaiting.
They could almost hear the droning sounds from the rainbow coloured dragonflies as they swooped across the water and the humming sounds of the beautiful hummingbirds as they dove their beaks into the colourful petals of the hibiscus looking for sweet nectar.
They could almost hear the palm tree leaves rattling, inviting them in for a drink.
Such is life,  a façade of ghost waters awaiting our arrival..... And just when we think we have reached our destination, the distance doubles and we realise that we have to work harder.
But we keep marching on, until we eventually get to our Oasis.

“Trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.” ― Molière

In pursuit of ME

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~Alan Alda

Summer is the worst time to be single. The warm weather screams 'romantic getaways', 'dating', 'strawberries and cream'..... Basically, the weather screams "If you are single, you are screwed!".

Years of relying on people to 'occupy' my time have resulted in me believing that other people are the source of my comfort and happiness, which has eventually led to me being a socially-spineless human being who can not function well without someone else's assistance.
A simple example is the fact that I can not comfortably go on a solo night out because I can't fathom the idea of a hot looking, (giggle) well dressed me sitting on my own in a dimly lit pub sipping on a glass (or several) of wine without looking like I am either 'searching' or I've been 'stood up'.

Before settling down in the UK, I had never been alone and had always been in some kind of relationship.
My Kenyan days were quite 'spur-of-the -moment' and I'd meet up with friends for impromptu weekday lunches, go out on random nights and spend the weekend with my family, boyfriend or friends; so I was quite spoilt in that sense because I never lacked something to do or someone to spend my time with..... My social life could have easily been summed up by the words "Definitely" , "Just pop in" and "I'm easy". I will never take that for granted.

Being in the UK changed the dynamics of my social life because life is not as spontaneous here as it was back home. Every minute is accounted for and every activity is strategically diarised; meaning I have to book diary slots with my friends and since I am not one to plan in advance, I am mostly left in a situation where my friends' "mental diaries" are fully booked up and I don't have someone to do things with which in all sincerity makes me feel a bit bewildered and misplaced.
So I eventually smelt my horrible coffee yesterday and came to a realisation that I actually don't know how to be ALONE; my sad-ish discovery let me to my best friend Mr.Google, where I typed in the words..... 'HOW TO ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY'.

"Know thyself" — a maxim as pernicious as it is odious. A person observing himself would arrest his own development. Any caterpillar who tried to "know himself" would never become a butterfly. ~André Gide, Nouvelles Nourritures

The look of amusement on Lillian's face when I told her what I had Googled was priceless.
She couldn't visualise me logging onto Google and typing in the words 'How-to-enjoy-my-own-company'. The comical thing about my search is that as soon as I typed in 'How to enjoy.......' the search engine auto-filled the rest of the words for me; meaning that I am not the only person who has scoured the internet frantic to know what to do with myself.
We laughed and talked about it and came to a conclusion that most people don't know how to enjoy their own company.
We live in a society where we are socially dependent on other people and most of us hardly know how to independently approach social situations without breaking a sweat.

The few articles I read were singing from the same common sense hymn book. They told me to;
Exercise
Go on a holiday by myself
Meditate and join a yoga class
Cook
Have my own date-night
Listen to different genres of music
Learn a new language
Learn something other than a new language
Write a journal
Sit in silence even if it hurts
Get a pet
Join an on-line chatting room
Spend a few minutes everyday talking to myself
Look into the mirror every morning and declare my love to myself
Read
Read some more
(and if I do all that and still cant seem to get pleasure from my own company...... Jump off a cliff.)

Although I do some of those things, what these life Gurus are simply implying is that I should metamorphosize to an outgoing polyglot who writes, cooks, works out in the gym, loves the outdoors, has a pet and spends her time hanging upside down like a bat in-front of a mirror while chatting to internet strangers.
Well..... It's tricky, but most of it makes sense. In short, I ought to GET A LIFE.

"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts."~K.T. Jong

Back to self reflection,
I don't want to feel "lost" every time someone I am used to spending most of my days with is no longer with me, neither do I want to feel like it's Armageddon because I can't seem to figure out what to do with myself.
Spending some time with me and enjoying my own company should bring a whole new level of intimacy and vigour into my life; something I am clearly lacking.

I have to become conscious of the fact that I am a person, a whole being, and I need to start treating myself like I would treat anyone I love and care about.
I need to stop seeking my value through other people's viewpoint and spend more time reflecting and listening to my inner voice, my voice of reason.
Being alone with my thoughts and feelings can be startling but I need to jump over that hurdle and make my company a sanctuary.....Not a prison.

I will let go of my fear..... I will accept me..... I will enjoy me.

"Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile." ~Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance, 1893

"Situation" #SOS

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

― Maya Angelou

 It is 5:30 a.m and I am yet to sleep.....

I spent most of my night reflecting on my current "situation" and wondering how I ended up in this state of utter pandemonium. I've never thought of myself as somebody who would pass on the buck or let someone else take the blame for all the hiccups in my life.... I've had a fairly easy life and can say that I am 100% liable for everything that has happened in my past, but my present is a whole 'nother beast.

 I've had the most turbulent few months of my life, and it surprisingly has gotten me feeling like a rag doll that ended up in a rampant Rottweiler's mouth.

I've never been so emotionally jaded in my entire life. My heart has ached, my head has been feeling like it is playing host to a hard metal rock band and everything has come to a sudden standstill. My family and friends have been 'shelved' and the only thing that currently has a percentage of my attention is my job; reason being it pays the bills.

  “Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.” ― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

I was having a heart-to-heart chat tonight with my friend Lavender, and she asked me "So Tinda, what are you planning on doing?"..... I've been asked many questions in my life but I have never lacked an answer like I did for this question. I literally felt like a deer in the headlights; speechless and stunned. I might as well walk around with a t-shirt with the words 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO' because that is sincerely how I am feeling.

Most of my friends are actually surprised that I am in this situation..... Had it been one of them I'd have told them to get their shit together and move on.

 I'm dog-tired, I'm totally worn out..... I must have done something really awful in my past life. Then I think to myself, loving someone else shouldn't be this difficult, and if it is, then I am better off keeping it all to myself.

It is time for me to love me..... Everyone else can wait their turn.

6:00 a.m time to sleep.

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou

The art of giving up easily.. a.k.a touch-n-go

Dear O..... It's not a sonnet..... But then again..... I am not Shakespeare.

“We accept the love we think we deserve.” 

― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I am a great believer in human beings, and I'd like to naively conclude that most people end up falling in love for the right reasons..... friendship, common interests, physical attraction..... When in love, we tend to obviously see the best in each other; through our rose tinted glasses all the negatives are ignored and wiped off the slate and all we want to do is guard each other, condense on the positives and stroke our colourful brushes across our love canvas with a sole aim of painting the most attractive portrait of our relationship to everyone around us.....OUR perfect work of art.

But somewhere between the rainbow of warm bright colourful shades and positive expectations, the lines get blurred and we start feeling unappreciated and taken for granted........ The positives get hurled out the window and the negatives dominate the beautiful canvas, then all of a sudden we start noticing the cracks and dark hues, the brush strokes get angrier and more aggressive, things get blown out of proportion, fists are clenched, fingers are pointed and it is quite unclear as to who changed first and who followed suit.
 "You don't make love to me any more"..... "You've suddenly changed"..... "You don't call me as often as you used to"..... "You are not there for me"..... "It's not you, its me".....
All of a sudden their ideas are not as great as they used to be and we start "shooting them down"..... Making everything about them feel so unimportant. By the time we realise it our ideal match is shorter, the snores are louder, the farts smellier and their table manners is equivalent to a drowsy cow chewing curd.
In no time pointing out 10 negatives is easier than pointing out 5 positives. Everything comes to a stand still.

According to my husband, I gave up before he could even blink his eyes as a married man..... Of-course that's not 100% true; I am known to be very patient with love matters but my sudden exit took him by surprise. He never imagined that enough would sooner than later be enough. I wont use my state of affairs as an example, but I will stay close to home.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” ― Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol. 9: The Kindly Ones

In a recent heart to heart chat with my dearest brother, he asked me whether I knew why he moved out of the house he shared with my lovely sister in-law and their two kids; I had a vague idea but I let him tell his version anyway.
His version was quite dramatic I have to admit; (soundtrack) one dark night, he woke up to find her standing by his side of the bed with a knife in her hand. She stood there for almost an hour and all he could do was stay still praying that this dark knife gripping shadow spares him.
She sent him a text the next day expressing  that she was actually contemplating on stabbing him and that the only reason she withdrew from the idea was the fact that she didn't know how she'd have gotten rid of his body.
Funny as that scenario sounds, it scared the poor guy shitless. But I totally understood where she was coming from because I've ALMOST been there and stated that considering the situation, I'd have helped her dump his bloody body.

Mark is a very artistic guy and I remember days he would spend endless hours painting the most beautiful paintings for her, he'd make her beautiful jewellery and cook her the most amazing meals which were served at the rooftop on a candle-lit table right under the stars.
Their relationship was an inch from perfection...... She had her man and he had his woman.
So how did two people who once absolutely adored the goosebumps out of each other end up wanting to drive knives into each other? When do things take such a sudden U turn? Is it that most of are used to that sneaky vicious cycle that makes us unknowingly sabotage our own relationships and take a quick exit when things don't seem to work out to our own favour? Is there a way that this vicious cycle can be broken and the positives not so easily forgotten?

I am not implying that people should endure a bad relationship because they are clinging on to the hope that somehow things will drift back to the hunky-dory way they were before, but I feel that most of us break up over issues that can easily be sorted out through compromise and the desire to work towards a common purpose.

"I don't know why I still love him/her" we sometimes say.
Now I am not an expert in human relationships, but can in every right say that I have a vague idea of how two people who love and care about each other should treat each other.
Love is a general word used to sum up many words..... Words like understanding, respect, trust, affection, patience, loyalty, generosity, honesty, reminisce, growth, kindness, security, appreciation, admiration, partnership, fun, friendship, a common purpose.....  I could go on and on, it is only when those traits are totally wiped out of a relationship that two people can be said not to be good for each other, not to warrant one another.
Only then can they move on without feeling that constant heaviness in their conscience that keeps on saying "YOU ARE JUST ANOTHER LAZY ARSE WHO LET GO OF SOMETHING GREAT. GOOD LUCK IN YOUR NEXT CYCLE.....  AND EVERY OTHER CYCLE THEREAFTER".

“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.” ― Pablo Neruda, 100 Love Sonnets

How to 'look intelligent' by knowing your Wine.

After accidentally stumbling on the fact that wearing glasses, knowing a foreign language, talking politics, loving jazz, repeating jokes, reading the classics, pretending to be a connoisseur, adopting nerdy hobbies and knowing your wine makes you look intelligent, I made a mid-year resolution to learn more about wine and join what Michael McIntyre calls a “Bullshit Production.”

The “Bullshit production” is all the pretence involved in wining and dining and it starts when a waiter/ess gives you  the wine list a.k.a Book of gibberish. (Of-course as much as we don't like admitting it, nobody knows much about wine; to most people its either red, white, less expensive or bloody expensive.)
So after choosing the wine, the waiter/ress comes back with a bottle of wine and asks the most important looking person on the table “would you like to taste?”

My husband normally says “Naaaaaaah, just pour it.” But I know someone who
sniffs the wine then swirls it around the glass, looks at it, takes a sip, gurgles it around their mouth and then pauses for a few seconds before saying “Yes.”

I want to be that very important looking person on the table..... So I got a book called ‘Wine for Dummies’, and it is doing the trick for me.

How to Pronounce your Wine.

For starters, correctly pronouncing wine names is one way to avoid irritating a wine snob; I normally point at what I can't pronounce, but what I know is you don't say "cham-pag-ne" or "ri-o-ja". So here is some cheat-sheet content from my book that might help in the fakery (you can thank me later.)

Auslese	ouse-lay-seh
Beaujolais	boh-jhoe-lay
Bourgogne	boor-guh-nyuh
Brut	brute
Cabernet Sauvignon	cab-er-nay saw-vee-nyon
Chablis	shah-blee
Chardonnay	shar-dohn-nay
Châteauneuf-du-Pape	shah-toe-nuf-doo-pahp
Côte-Rotie	coat-roe-tee
Gewürztraminer	geh-vairtz-trah-mee-ner
Haut-Brion	oh-bree-ohn
Hermitage	er-mee-tahj
Loire	l'wahr
Mâcon	mah-cawn
Merlot	mer-loh
Meursault	muhr-so
Moët	moh-ett
Montepulciano d'Abruzzo	mon-tae-pul-chee-ah-noh dah-brute-zoh
Montrachet	mon-rah-shay
Mosel-Saar-Ruwer	moh-zel-zar-roo-ver
Muscadet	moos-cah-day
Pauillac	poy-yac
Perrier-Jouët	per-ree-yay-joo-ett
Pinot Grigio	pee-noh gree-joe
Pinot Noir	pee-noh nwahr
Pouilly-Fuissé	pwee-fwee-say
Riesling	reese-ling
Rioja	ree-oh-hah
Sancerre	sahn-air
Spätlese	shpate-lay-seh
Viognier	vee-oh-nyay
Vosne-Romanée	vone-roh-mah-nay
Willamette Valley	wil-lam-et

How to Describe your Wine.

When describing wine, specific language should be used for to tell you about its characteristics. Knowing these words will help you understand the wine they're describing (and will also make other think that you really know your ‘shit’)
Instead of saying "It goes down well." like me, here are some descriptions that you could use.

·                          Aroma or bouquet: The smell of a wine — bouquet applies particularly to the aroma of older wines

·                          Body: The apparent weight of a wine in your mouth (light, medium, or full)

·                          Crisp: A wine with refreshing acidity

·                          Dry: Not sweet

·                          Finish: The impression a wine leaves as you swallow it

·                          Flavor intensity: How strong or weak a wine's flavours are

·                          Fruity: A wine whose aromas and flavours suggest fruit; doesn't imply sweetness

·                          Oaky: A wine that has oak flavours (smoky, toasty)

·                          Soft: A wine that has a smooth rather than crisp mouthfeel

·                          Tannic: A red wine that is firm and leaves the mouth feeling dry

Easy Wine Identifier

We know that it's either red or white, but most wines you find in shops and restaurants are named in two basic ways: for the variety of the grape or for the place the grapes are grown. This instant guide decodes common wine names and tells you the wine's colour.

Wine Name	Grape or Place	Wine Colour
Barbera	Grape	Red
Bardolino	Place/Italy	Red
Barolo	Place/Italy	Red
Beaujolais	Place/France	Red
Bordeaux	Place/France	Red or white
Burgundy (Bourgogne)	Place/France	Red or white
Cabernet Sauvignon	Grape	Red
Chablis	Place/France	White
Champagne	Place/France	White or rosé
Chardonnay	Grape	White
Chianti	Place/Italy	Red
Côtes du Rhône	Place/France	Red or white
Dolcetto	Grape	Red
Merlot	Grape	Red
Mosel	Place/Germany	White
Pinot Grigio/Pinot Gris	Grape	White
Pinot Noir	Grape	Red
Port (Porto)	Place/Portugal	Red (fortified)
Pouilly-Fuissé	Place/France	White
Rhine (Rheingau, Rheinhessen)	Place/Germany	White
Riesling	Grape	White
Rioja	Place/Spain	Red or white
Sancerre	Place/France	White
Sauternes	Place/France	White (dessert)
Sauvignon Blanc	Grape	White
Sherry	Place/Spain	White (fortified)
Soave	Place/Italy	White
Syrah/Shiraz	Grape	Red
Valpolicella	Place/Italy	Red
Viognier	Grape	White
Zinfandel	Grape	Red or pink

How to Buy Wine with Confidence

Don't get frazzled when you're shopping for wine. Browsing and buying wine should be a fun, positive experience. Remember these helpful hints when you hit the wine shop:

·                          No one in the world knows everything about wine.

·                          Smart people aren't afraid to ask "dumb" questions.

·                          The purpose of wine is to be enjoyed.

·                          Expensive doesn't necessarily mean I'll enjoy it more.

·                          I am my own best judge of wine quality.

·                          Most wines are good wines.

·                          Experimentation is fun.

·                          Advice is free for the asking.

·                          Every bottle of wine is a live performance.

·                          I'll never know . . . until I try it!

____________________________________________________________________

Okay, so that’s one thing off my list.

I love jazz and sometimes wear glasses, so I now need to catch up on some classics, politics, repetitive jokes and buy a ‘Star Wars for Dummies’ book. I’ll let you know what happens.