"Situation" #SOS

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

― Maya Angelou

 It is 5:30 a.m and I am yet to sleep.....

I spent most of my night reflecting on my current "situation" and wondering how I ended up in this state of utter pandemonium. I've never thought of myself as somebody who would pass on the buck or let someone else take the blame for all the hiccups in my life.... I've had a fairly easy life and can say that I am 100% liable for everything that has happened in my past, but my present is a whole 'nother beast.

 I've had the most turbulent few months of my life, and it surprisingly has gotten me feeling like a rag doll that ended up in a rampant Rottweiler's mouth.

I've never been so emotionally jaded in my entire life. My heart has ached, my head has been feeling like it is playing host to a hard metal rock band and everything has come to a sudden standstill. My family and friends have been 'shelved' and the only thing that currently has a percentage of my attention is my job; reason being it pays the bills.

  “Let's tell the truth to people. When people ask, 'How are you?' have the nerve sometimes to answer truthfully. You must know, however, that people will start avoiding you because, they, too, have knees that pain them and heads that hurt and they don't want to know about yours. But think of it this way: If people avoid you, you will have more time to meditate and do fine research on a cure for whatever truly afflicts you.” ― Maya Angelou, Letter to My Daughter

I was having a heart-to-heart chat tonight with my friend Lavender, and she asked me "So Tinda, what are you planning on doing?"..... I've been asked many questions in my life but I have never lacked an answer like I did for this question. I literally felt like a deer in the headlights; speechless and stunned. I might as well walk around with a t-shirt with the words 'I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO' because that is sincerely how I am feeling.

Most of my friends are actually surprised that I am in this situation..... Had it been one of them I'd have told them to get their shit together and move on.

 I'm dog-tired, I'm totally worn out..... I must have done something really awful in my past life. Then I think to myself, loving someone else shouldn't be this difficult, and if it is, then I am better off keeping it all to myself.

It is time for me to love me..... Everyone else can wait their turn.

6:00 a.m time to sleep.

“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou