"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." ~Alan Alda
Summer is the worst time to be single. The warm weather screams 'romantic getaways', 'dating', 'strawberries and cream'..... Basically, the weather screams "If you are single, you are screwed!".
Years of relying on people to 'occupy' my time have resulted in me believing that other people are the source of my comfort and happiness, which has eventually led to me being a socially-spineless human being who can not function well without someone else's assistance.
A simple example is the fact that I can not comfortably go on a solo night out because I can't fathom the idea of a hot looking, (giggle) well dressed me sitting on my own in a dimly lit pub sipping on a glass (or several) of wine without looking like I am either 'searching' or I've been 'stood up'.
Before settling down in the UK, I had never been alone and had always been in some kind of relationship.
My Kenyan days were quite 'spur-of-the -moment' and I'd meet up with friends for impromptu weekday lunches, go out on random nights and spend the weekend with my family, boyfriend or friends; so I was quite spoilt in that sense because I never lacked something to do or someone to spend my time with..... My social life could have easily been summed up by the words "Definitely" , "Just pop in" and "I'm easy". I will never take that for granted.
Being in the UK changed the dynamics of my social life because life is not as spontaneous here as it was back home. Every minute is accounted for and every activity is strategically diarised; meaning I have to book diary slots with my friends and since I am not one to plan in advance, I am mostly left in a situation where my friends' "mental diaries" are fully booked up and I don't have someone to do things with which in all sincerity makes me feel a bit bewildered and misplaced.
So I eventually smelt my horrible coffee yesterday and came to a realisation that I actually don't know how to be ALONE; my sad-ish discovery let me to my best friend Mr.Google, where I typed in the words..... 'HOW TO ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY'.
"Know thyself" — a maxim as pernicious as it is odious. A person observing himself would arrest his own development. Any caterpillar who tried to "know himself" would never become a butterfly. ~André Gide, Nouvelles Nourritures
The look of amusement on Lillian's face when I told her what I had Googled was priceless.
She couldn't visualise me logging onto Google and typing in the words 'How-to-enjoy-my-own-company'. The comical thing about my search is that as soon as I typed in 'How to enjoy.......' the search engine auto-filled the rest of the words for me; meaning that I am not the only person who has scoured the internet frantic to know what to do with myself.
We laughed and talked about it and came to a conclusion that most people don't know how to enjoy their own company.
We live in a society where we are socially dependent on other people and most of us hardly know how to independently approach social situations without breaking a sweat.
The few articles I read were singing from the same common sense hymn book. They told me to;
Exercise
Go on a holiday by myself
Meditate and join a yoga class
Cook
Have my own date-night
Listen to different genres of music
Learn a new language
Learn something other than a new language
Write a journal
Sit in silence even if it hurts
Get a pet
Join an on-line chatting room
Spend a few minutes everyday talking to myself
Look into the mirror every morning and declare my love to myself
Read
Read some more
(and if I do all that and still cant seem to get pleasure from my own company...... Jump off a cliff.)
Although I do some of those things, what these life Gurus are simply implying is that I should metamorphosize to an outgoing polyglot who writes, cooks, works out in the gym, loves the outdoors, has a pet and spends her time hanging upside down like a bat in-front of a mirror while chatting to internet strangers.
Well..... It's tricky, but most of it makes sense. In short, I ought to GET A LIFE.
"It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts."~K.T. Jong
I don't want to feel "lost" every time someone I am used to spending most of my days with is no longer with me, neither do I want to feel like it's Armageddon because I can't seem to figure out what to do with myself.
Spending some time with me and enjoying my own company should bring a whole new level of intimacy and vigour into my life; something I am clearly lacking.
I have to become conscious of the fact that I am a person, a whole being, and I need to start treating myself like I would treat anyone I love and care about.
I need to stop seeking my value through other people's viewpoint and spend more time reflecting and listening to my inner voice, my voice of reason.
Being alone with my thoughts and feelings can be startling but I need to jump over that hurdle and make my company a sanctuary.....Not a prison.
I will let go of my fear..... I will accept me..... I will enjoy me.
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