How to 'look intelligent' by knowing your Wine.

After accidentally stumbling on the fact that wearing glasses, knowing a foreign language, talking politics, loving jazz, repeating jokes, reading the classics, pretending to be a connoisseur, adopting nerdy hobbies and knowing your wine makes you look intelligent, I made a mid-year resolution to learn more about wine and join what Michael McIntyre calls a “Bullshit Production.”

The “Bullshit production” is all the pretence involved in wining and dining and it starts when a waiter/ess gives you  the wine list a.k.a Book of gibberish. (Of-course as much as we don't like admitting it, nobody knows much about wine; to most people its either red, white, less expensive or bloody expensive.)
So after choosing the wine, the waiter/ress comes back with a bottle of wine and asks the most important looking person on the table “would you like to taste?”

My husband normally says “Naaaaaaah, just pour it.” But I know someone who
sniffs the wine then swirls it around the glass, looks at it, takes a sip, gurgles it around their mouth and then pauses for a few seconds before saying “Yes.”

I want to be that very important looking person on the table..... So I got a book called ‘Wine for Dummies’, and it is doing the trick for me.

How to Pronounce your Wine.

For starters, correctly pronouncing wine names is one way to avoid irritating a wine snob; I normally point at what I can't pronounce, but what I know is you don't say "cham-pag-ne" or "ri-o-ja". So here is some cheat-sheet content from my book that might help in the fakery (you can thank me later.)

Auslese	ouse-lay-seh
Beaujolais	boh-jhoe-lay
Bourgogne	boor-guh-nyuh
Brut	brute
Cabernet Sauvignon	cab-er-nay saw-vee-nyon
Chablis	shah-blee
Chardonnay	shar-dohn-nay
Châteauneuf-du-Pape	shah-toe-nuf-doo-pahp
Côte-Rotie	coat-roe-tee
Gewürztraminer	geh-vairtz-trah-mee-ner
Haut-Brion	oh-bree-ohn
Hermitage	er-mee-tahj
Loire	l'wahr
Mâcon	mah-cawn
Merlot	mer-loh
Meursault	muhr-so
Moët	moh-ett
Montepulciano d'Abruzzo	mon-tae-pul-chee-ah-noh dah-brute-zoh
Montrachet	mon-rah-shay
Mosel-Saar-Ruwer	moh-zel-zar-roo-ver
Muscadet	moos-cah-day
Pauillac	poy-yac
Perrier-Jouët	per-ree-yay-joo-ett
Pinot Grigio	pee-noh gree-joe
Pinot Noir	pee-noh nwahr
Pouilly-Fuissé	pwee-fwee-say
Riesling	reese-ling
Rioja	ree-oh-hah
Sancerre	sahn-air
Spätlese	shpate-lay-seh
Viognier	vee-oh-nyay
Vosne-Romanée	vone-roh-mah-nay
Willamette Valley	wil-lam-et

How to Describe your Wine.

When describing wine, specific language should be used for to tell you about its characteristics. Knowing these words will help you understand the wine they're describing (and will also make other think that you really know your ‘shit’)
Instead of saying "It goes down well." like me, here are some descriptions that you could use.

·                          Aroma or bouquet: The smell of a wine — bouquet applies particularly to the aroma of older wines

·                          Body: The apparent weight of a wine in your mouth (light, medium, or full)

·                          Crisp: A wine with refreshing acidity

·                          Dry: Not sweet

·                          Finish: The impression a wine leaves as you swallow it

·                          Flavor intensity: How strong or weak a wine's flavours are

·                          Fruity: A wine whose aromas and flavours suggest fruit; doesn't imply sweetness

·                          Oaky: A wine that has oak flavours (smoky, toasty)

·                          Soft: A wine that has a smooth rather than crisp mouthfeel

·                          Tannic: A red wine that is firm and leaves the mouth feeling dry

Easy Wine Identifier

We know that it's either red or white, but most wines you find in shops and restaurants are named in two basic ways: for the variety of the grape or for the place the grapes are grown. This instant guide decodes common wine names and tells you the wine's colour.

Wine Name	Grape or Place	Wine Colour
Barbera	Grape	Red
Bardolino	Place/Italy	Red
Barolo	Place/Italy	Red
Beaujolais	Place/France	Red
Bordeaux	Place/France	Red or white
Burgundy (Bourgogne)	Place/France	Red or white
Cabernet Sauvignon	Grape	Red
Chablis	Place/France	White
Champagne	Place/France	White or rosé
Chardonnay	Grape	White
Chianti	Place/Italy	Red
Côtes du Rhône	Place/France	Red or white
Dolcetto	Grape	Red
Merlot	Grape	Red
Mosel	Place/Germany	White
Pinot Grigio/Pinot Gris	Grape	White
Pinot Noir	Grape	Red
Port (Porto)	Place/Portugal	Red (fortified)
Pouilly-Fuissé	Place/France	White
Rhine (Rheingau, Rheinhessen)	Place/Germany	White
Riesling	Grape	White
Rioja	Place/Spain	Red or white
Sancerre	Place/France	White
Sauternes	Place/France	White (dessert)
Sauvignon Blanc	Grape	White
Sherry	Place/Spain	White (fortified)
Soave	Place/Italy	White
Syrah/Shiraz	Grape	Red
Valpolicella	Place/Italy	Red
Viognier	Grape	White
Zinfandel	Grape	Red or pink

How to Buy Wine with Confidence

Don't get frazzled when you're shopping for wine. Browsing and buying wine should be a fun, positive experience. Remember these helpful hints when you hit the wine shop:

·                          No one in the world knows everything about wine.

·                          Smart people aren't afraid to ask "dumb" questions.

·                          The purpose of wine is to be enjoyed.

·                          Expensive doesn't necessarily mean I'll enjoy it more.

·                          I am my own best judge of wine quality.

·                          Most wines are good wines.

·                          Experimentation is fun.

·                          Advice is free for the asking.

·                          Every bottle of wine is a live performance.

·                          I'll never know . . . until I try it!

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Okay, so that’s one thing off my list.

I love jazz and sometimes wear glasses, so I now need to catch up on some classics, politics, repetitive jokes and buy a ‘Star Wars for Dummies’ book. I’ll let you know what happens.