To be..... or not to be.

“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colours. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” 

Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky.

After avoiding it for two months, I just spent over six hours today ironing and sorting out the biggest pile of clothes I have ever seen. The reason I had to finally had to sort it out is the new job coming up this Monday; I’ve never been this terrified in my life.

It’s like the first day of school..... Trying to get everything ready and wondering if your classmates will be total wankers or if the teachers will be total arse whipping dictators.

I’ve spent the last few weeks anxious and jelly-bellied. As the days have whooshed by my farting has increased tremmmmmmmmmmmmendously and it is solely due to the new job. That’s how scared I am.

I’d hate saying that I am an intrepid person, because I am not. I am scared of change and being in unfamiliar territory. I don’t like chasing waterfalls and would rather stick to my glass of water to be honest..... So I find everything that has been happening rather overwhelming in so many ways.

The new job is my biggest fear at the moment, because as important as it is to me, I don’t know how I’ll settle into the place. Could it be the fact that I will be working for a big financial giant and am afraid of under-performing hence getting fired hence not being able to save up enough money for my new mortgage? 

I could say that it’s like being thrown in the deep end, but I can handle deep ends.....this is in a league of its own.

(And to make matter worse, a friend of mine recently told me that black people need to work ten times harder than white people in order to stand out..... chuckle. Now I get it.)

I learnt a lot during my last job, and in some way it brought one point to my attention; familiarity breeds contempt.

I was a very happy and open book that didn’t mind being read; but with time, people got so used to my happiness and any negative phase I was going through was a phenomenon in the office. They probably thought I was bluffing and gave me the kind of reaction given to that boy who cried wolf.

So how will I approach my new workplace? Everybody is telling me “Tinda, just be yourself.”..... Not this time round, I think to myself.

I am intending on working harder, being more serious, and…… a bit more private. Try my best to hold my cards close to my chest and not to put much about my life out there.

I am afraid that people will ask me the kind of stupid and straightforward questions I'd ask a stranger I just met.

“Are you married?”

“And..... are you allergic to rings?”

“Where is he from and where did you guys meet?”

My friend Lillian says “Only you can ask that Tinda, nobody else can. They really don’t care.”

I would disagree with her, and if two weeks go by without someone asking me such kind of questions, I’ll then know that I am a totally abnormal and utterly rude human being.

And after a lot of thinking and unthinking, I come to the conclusion that not being myself means that I’ll just be like one of THEM, so why bother? I’ll just deal with the inevitable and be what everyone is telling me to be..... ME.