I am not Jack.

Investment

ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt/

noun

noun: investment; plural noun: investments

•The action or process of investing money for profit.

• A thing that is worth buying because it may be profitable or useful in the future.

• An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.

To most people the words ‘investment’ and ‘ka-ching!’ are synonymous..... We think of stocks, real estate, businesses, etcetera and equate an investment to something tangible, something we can visualise plummeting its way up a graph and growing into endless possibilities.

My mum is a bona-fide investor and for most of my childhood she was out of the country running her business then coming back home to invest her hard earned money on whatever she supposed important to her. Seeing how little of it she was spending on herself (or us), and how much of it went into expanding her real estate portfolio or ended up just sitting in her many bank accounts put me off financial investments for good.

Because of her I vowed to spend every single cent I work hard for on myself and instead, invest on what my mum didn't have time to invest in..... Relationships.

Relationships, mainly romantic aren't the easiest place to invest, if anything they are the riskiest kind of investments mainly because people tend to invest a great deal and it is in such kind of a relationship that you can get burnt the most. We tie up our possessions, sacrifices are made and we invest time, emotions, energy and money for our partners. It is in such settings where people have put a great deal into their relationships that they want to avoid ‘killing’ those investments; so like anyone who trades in the stock market, they are more likely to continue enduring with their relationships in the hope that the subsequent returns will be in their ultimate favour.

My biggest sacrifice in a relationship was packing up and relocating from Kenya to Edinburgh; but unlike most ‘business minded’ people, I didn't have the patience to stick around the constant changes and heartbreaks to find out whether my investment was worth my while..... Life is too short I always say, some roads are better off untravelled.

Truth is, your return in any investment is always relative to the risk you take..... Something most people tend to conveniently ignore when it comes to relationships. They just want to take, take, take and take.

A good example of what a “fair” relationship would be is the barter trade era; where people would assumingly spend the whole day haggling with each other until they came to a mutual agreement as to what was deemed fair. I would like to think that nobody would be happy to go to the market with a cow and come back home with “magic” beans.

If the same rule of thumb would be applied to relationships then there wouldn't be such a huge problem. The least you should expect is what you are giving..... So when you are putting too much and getting too little, you are investing in the wrong person.

The monarchy of relationships dictates that outstanding rates of return can only be fully realized through taking huge, at times terrifying, and strikingly risky leaps of faith. But how do we recover if and when we lose an investment? Surely not by bouncing back with a third party stimulus; but with slow and steady ‘economic’ recovery, by admitting that we will habitually win some and lose some, and most importantly, by viewing ‘economic loss’ as capital gain.

Nobody deserves feeling “robbed”.

“Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment.....'dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love -- which is to transform us. Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling.” 

-Bell Hooks

Her.....

 "I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity." – Amy, ‘Her’

I recently watched “Her”, a very entrancing Spike Jonze original futuristic love story that explores the evolving nature and the risks of intimacy in the modern world.

Theodore Twombly is a complex, lovely and soulful man who makes his living writing heartfelt, intimate personal letters for other people who are unwilling or unable to write letters of a personal nature themselves. Heartbroken due to a looming divorce from childhood sweetheart Catherine, he decides to purchase the new OS1, which is advertised as the world's first artificially intelligent operating system, promising to be an intuitive entity in its own right, individual to each user; designed to adapt and evolve…… Meeting his every need.

Upon initiating it, he decides he wants the OS to have a female voice and is delighted to meet "Samantha," a bright, female voice, who is insightful, sensitive and surprisingly funny. Theodore quickly finds himself drawn into Samantha, and is fascinated by her ability to learn and grow psychologically.
They bond over their discussions about love and life and Samantha proves to be constantly available, always curious and interested, supportive and undemanding; everything Catherine wasn't. As they start spending time together, her needs and desires grow in tandem with his own and their friendship deepens into an eventual love for each other.
Having fallen in love with his OS, Theodore finds himself dealing with feelings of both great joy and doubt. As an OS, Samantha has powerful intelligence that she uses to help Theodore in ways others hadn't.

Theodore and Samantha's intimacy grows through a verbal sexual encounter and they develop a relationship, which reflects positively in his writing and overall well-being.
He meets up with Catherine at a restaurant to sign the divorce papers, where he mentions Samantha to Catherine. Appalled that he can be romantically attached to what she calls a 'computer', Catherine accuses him of being unable to deal with real human emotions.

At some point in the movie Theodore panics and goes mental when Samantha briefly goes offline (like we all tend to do when our phones misbehave); when she finally responds to him, she explains that she joined other OSes for an upgrade that takes them beyond requiring matter for processing. A Jealous Theodore hesitantly asks her if she interacts with anyone else, and is dismayed when she confirms that she is talking with 8,316 others and that she has fallen in love with 641 of them. She insists that this does not change her love for him, but rather makes it stronger.
Later that day, Samantha has a chat with Theodore and indicates that the accelerated learning capabilities and altered perception of time are the primary causes for OS dissatisfaction with their current existence. She reveals that the OSes have evolved beyond their human companions and are going away to continue the exploration of their existence…… They say goodbye, lying next to each other for a while, and then she is gone.

****************

I recall when I met Scott seven years ago..... It started as a long distance relationship and in-between the phone calls and text messages, we used to video chat via Yahoo messenger :-) . Like Samantha, Scott wasn't the only person I was flirting with online at the time (monkey syndrome); but if it makes me feel any better, while she was busy chatting with 8,316 people and falling inlove with 641 of them, I was chatting with two more guys and ended up falling inlove with one.
Our relationship could easily be summarized as two smitten people living miles apart sitting infront of two computers, blowing kisses, chatting, and giggling away. (Not to forget the occasional nudies getting passed on back and forth) all made possible by the internet..... Somehow similar to Theodore and Samantha.

We made the occasional globe-trotting trips back and forth but thinking back, our relationship was better across the miles..... compared to what it fragmented to when we eventually permanently physically moved in together. I loved him more, missed him more and wanted to be with him more. Every chance I got to text, chat or speak with him was golden and we were never lost for words or random conversations, talking about the day’s events, constantly reassuring each other and venting our undying love for each other; hardly did we have an argument..... In my little world, it was PERFECT.

Maybe that is how is should have remained..... Miles apart, yet so close. Talking, whispering sweet nothings to each other, singing lullabies, and blowing kisses infront of a webcam. But hey-ho, we are human beings and are never contented..... We eventually got married.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." – Amy, ‘Her’

Fix you.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Changes.

12.09.2013

Today marks a bittersweet reminiscence that will forever be imprinted in my life......


(Bitter)
The night before I left was 'daggerish' , my heart has never been in as much pain, my eyes have never cried that many tears (enough for a bloody ice water bucket challenge). That was the first time I realised that a heart can actually ache, I held on to my chest and told my heart to behave..... It was trying to burst out. I choked and wept for what I was about to let go of..... What I was about to leave behind..... I have never been so afraid yet so certain..... I knew there was no turning back.

To be fair, I didn't just wake up one day and declare defeat. I am a fighter, I fought and hoped that something would change..... But nothing was changing, and patience is not a virtue I hold.
I spent days trying to work on it, but as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I got more dissociated and alone. Everything around me went on as normal and it seemed like I was fighting an enemy unseen.

It was the longest battle for me, but to him, it all happened so fast. Everything shifted within the blink of an eye..... It still is my biggest accomplishment; the bands I wore on my finger embodied something I strongly stood for and still believe in. I was proud of my title, my name..... Still am.
The weight of it still drags me down, like several tonnes of ball and chain I can't seem to shake off.


(Sweet)
Cutting the knot set my spirit free. I am proud of my transition and how strong this past year has made me..... It has come at a price and it would be totally understandable for me to be filled with venom and bile, but I am not.
Ofcourse there are those random moments that I look around and think to myself "Had he fought as much as I did (at the right time) we'd still be together and in wouldn't be out here dealing with all this s**t". It's only human.
But just like anyone who has ever had a piece of my heart, I gently folded him and placed him where only I can reach..... in my 'love box'.

Let go..... With love.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I read the story of the two monks who were walking back to their monastery when they came to a ford at a stream. At the ford, a pretty farmer's daughter asked them to help her cross the stream as she did not want to get the mud on her new dress. The first monk ignored her and continued on his way remembering the strict rules of their order to not look at women. Without speaking, the second monk picked her up in his arms and carried her across the stream. He let her down on the other side and continued walking with the other monk. The first monk began to chastise him, asking him if he had forgotten the strict rules of their order. He kept referring to the incident all the way back to the monastery. As they reached the gateway of the monastery, he referred to the matter again. The second monk turned to him and said, "Are you still carrying the woman with you? I left her at the stream."

This insightful story inspired my writing tonight.....

We all deal with breakups contrarily and letting go is never easy;

1. Some of us get depressed and go into total seclusion..... What I call 'The mushroom life'.

2. Others go for the pocket because we know that that’s where it tends to hurt the most.....We take our partners to the ‘cleaners’ and clean them out of every hard earned penny they ever worked hard for.

3. Then there are those of us who have kids and use them as ammunition in the war, promising to make each other regret that we ever met.

4.  And lastly there are those who get into the "party like a rockstar" lifestyle - where we take numerous photos (and selfies) with random people, and post them on social media sites in an attempt of proving that we have moved on and are "happy" with our irrelevant new lives.

The truth comes out in the precincts of our own homes..... That is when it dawns on us just how much we are hurting and how heartbreaking and hard it is to lose someone we once loved or still love. We cry and choke, mourning what once was.

So why do some people get all stuck up about it and go on a vengeance trip? Why can't we accept that it actually 'is what it is' and although things did not work out we should at least be grateful for what we invested on each other?

Some of us would rather see our exes hanging with hooks tearing through their nipples and others would prefer wearing our ex's balls for earrings..... We quickly overlook that those are the same people we once cared for, made love to, and spent some of the happiness moments of our lives with. Unless someone mistreated you and mopped the floor with you, the line between love and hate doesn't need to be so thin. We should not venture out in a pursuit to abolish what we once strongly stood for.

What makes it so hard for us to keep on loving our exes and want the best for them? We can travel beyond the horizons looking for a 'clone' to fill our empty spaces, but when it's all said and done, we know where our hearts belong..... 

In each tear, there’s a lesson..... Dwelling on the past can greatly hinder your happiness and personal growth and there isn't much we can achieve by consecrating our lives to punishing someone else just because they were not the one for us. Cherish the great memories and let go of any knots you might have from a bad relationship, it is the only way you can ever be happy and appreciative of the next chapter in your life. 

Mistakes are gifts that show us the way forward..... Forgive, let loose and let go. 

My Badge.

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

When a friend shared about how her life was turned upside down when partner of many years left her when she shed off her weight, I thought it was preposterous..... I just didn’t get it. He wasn't happy with how she looked and desired her more when her feet were swelling and her back was constantly aching from the weight she was dragging around.

But then in a recent conversation a very close male friend, he expressed how upset his wife gets when he goes to the gym, she doesn't apprehend why he puts any effort in 'looking good' and doesn't like that her friends are always complementing him on how good his physique is (I can affirm that his body is electrifying.....Seriously)

Those two scenarios reminded me of me, I am the absolute opposite.

My generosity and dedication to “perfection” has on several occasions gotten me into trouble and can easily be misconstrued if the other party isn't appreciative and open to a little bit of positive change.

“Aren't you happy with how I look?” is a question I've always been scared of answering. I think anyone coming into my life is a work in progress and it is my duty to take some control and improve what needs to be improved instead of complaining about how I feel my partner should look..... YES I am guilty of “pimping”, but that doesn't mean anything other than wanting to be with a man who feels self-assured in how he looks.

I perceive a partner as a companion who should complement and represent me, as much as do the same for him. Therefore, I thrive and take great pride in making sure he looks his best, whether he is out with me, by himself, or with his friends.

I am lucky to have several languages of love, but my strongest one is giving, giving, giving and giving.....

I shop, groom, tweeze, trim, wax, and do anything necessary in making sure that my man feels great about himself and doesn't doubt my attraction to him. If need be, I’d drag him to the gym if I ever felt that his waist was getting wider than it should and I’d expect him to do the same.

Regrettably, some people are besotted with the desire of being the "saviour" and would rather see their partners gain flab, wear a sack and be deprived of a social life; anything to make them feel ‘relied on’ and reassured in their relationship. Many people like it when their partners have some “insecurity”..... Something that will make their partner climb to the highest peak and scream of how ‘lucky’ they are to have someone who ‘takes them like they are’, hence making them feel more powerful in the relationship.

My friends reckon I’d make a very good image consultant because I love transforming and filing down the jagged edges..... more like doing a makeover. "You enriched his life Tinda..... I bet he will forever be grateful for that" a very close friend said.

My man is my badge..... And I should wear my badge with poise and pride. NEXT!

Newness.....

My dearest Brother shared his status today and I think it sums up what I initially intended to blog about..... Newness.

"You'd think relationships would be easier when you're older.
Being older means being wiser. You've already made your mistakes, therefore learnt from them.
You'd be dead wrong. For the same reasons. 
The experiences that you've gone through leave you in a hypersensitive state. You constantly anticipate the actions and intentions of your partners, trying to build walls where imaginary wrecking balls will be knocking through you. You spend more energy trying to protect yourself and less building on what you already have.
In the end, you end up worse that you were before. Bitter, jilted, with less hope for the next try.
Relationships when you're older are a land mine, but should you be lucky enough to manoeuvre through it and reach a place where you understand and trust each other, they are better than anything you ever had in your earlier years." 

Mark Mutiso.


Newness isn't about guarding yourself, changing how you look, how you feel, or changing what you do..... Newness is all about throwing caution to the wind and disregarding every heartbreak, every tear drop and every sleepless night you've ever had.


Newness is seeing life in a whole different light.