Something's got to give.

“I'm Dylan. I'm so cool. I want to date myself, but I don't know how! You want to date me instead? You're so lucky!” ― Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero

I live in Edinburgh (pronounced Ed-n-bra); a village-ish* city recently voted the most beautiful in the UK and 4th most beautiful in the world (Waheeeeeey!)

It boasts of two extinct volcanoes (one housing the ever bold Edinburgh Castle), stunning scenery, striking architecture, fine food and host to the world's largest arts festival etcetera.

Stunning as it is, there is medium-sized dark cloud that has been soaring above this place and I can’t seem to shake off the constant nagging feeling of wanting to move to a bigger city. The dark cloud rains gloom and doom for young singletons who are considering diving into the dating scene because in a place where everyone seems to know everyone, chances are you might end up dating your ex’s ex’s ex if not their immediate relative.

Dating in a small city like Edinburgh an intimidating ‘task’ because there isn't a ‘wide range’ of options in the singles arena and considering that I am strongly against “double-dipping” between acquaintances, friends and relatives, I tend to find myself carrying a ‘mental list’ of the people close to me which I take time to tick off whenever I meet a ‘potential suitor’. Most have not made it past the first date because they have simply dated someone I know. Lol.

I have been separated from my dearest Bwana for a while now; and loneliness (and reality) dictate that it is probably time for me to move upwards and onwards..... Not easy with this dark cloud I recently adopted. So I took myself to Google where I typed ‘How to meet men’ in the search engine and alas! I found the most interesting article on Huffingpost written by a man (Mr. Bill Coles) detailing 10 practical ways to meet men and to me, reading it was like diving into a lake full of manna from heaven.

Apparently, I wasn't looking in the right places.

I have never been big on internet dating, and I am glad Bill agrees with me. Touting your wares and trout-pout selfies on the internet is a definite no-no. In a hit or miss scenario it mostly happens to be a miss because just like most guys in a pub, chances are that you'll just meet some rogue who is out for...... Everything he can damn well get.

So if I want to meet a guy who is single, possibly shares my values and might perhaps be looking for a relationship, here is how to find him.

1.            Rope in my friends.

My friends must have friends who like me, moan about being single. So chances are that they can play cupid and hook me up with someone they know I can gel with and won’t be an utter douche-bag. But nobody will be willing to go through the realms of hell and bring me back that tall, dark and handsome Mandingo man I have been looking for unless they are getting something out of it. The idea here is to offer an incentive (people love incentives). 

“The main thing is: it's going to make your friends sit up and take notice. They're going to pay attention. It's going to get them inviting you over for dinner with two, three, even four single men for company. That's what you want. Your friends are the people who are most likely to know the next man of your dreams. They just need a small kick up the backside so that they can effect the introduction. A handsome finder's fee is the way to do it.” -Bill

In all fairness, a case of Bollinger, a weekend getaway, an expensive spa treatment etc is a small price to pay for them to lasso the ideal stag for me :-)

2.            Marathons and ultra-marathons

Now this is a definite no-no for me. The thought of my future boyfriend watching my badonkadonk literally clapping all over the place as I run is a sight that should forever stay in my mind.

But for the rest of you, Bill says that the women runners are outnumbered by the men by at least ten to one. So theoretically this is the best way to meet single guys (if you don’t mind slender noodly guys who love running) Not my thing.

3.            Long, hard swims.

These are those serious open water channel crossing type of swims.

Of-course there is a risk of drowning here, but anyone who can take that plunge can definitely take a risk or two in their lifetime.

The advantage here is that male swimmers happen to be quite toned and you can actually see the ‘goods’ before you buy them. (chuckle)

Bill says that like the marathons, the women are outnumbered by at-least ten to one.

4.            Football and rugby

I have never been one to pretend to like something because a man I am interested in likes it. I think life is too precious (Probably the reason I am in my current predicament)

But what do I know? Bill says that if you can feign even the tiniest amount of interest in these sports, and stomach going along to a few matches, then you are completely set.

“It's going to help if you're not totally bluffing it. I mean of course you can blag it - we're all blaggers these days - but if you have some knowledge of the rules and the characters and the current crop of stories that are swirling around the back-pages, then it will.... make you stand out.” -Bill.

Again, the ratio if guys to girls are ten to one; even more so in the pub afterwards.

5.            Cricket

Now I personally don’t have a clue about cricket apart from the fact that it is loved by old men donning fedoras and starched linen trousers (pardon my ignorance.)

“Unlike rugby and football, it attracts a different kind of guy. Not necessarily classier, but a guy who appreciates nuance. Who's in it for the long-haul.

Just try sitting down for one day of a test-match. You're sat there from 11am till 6pm, and pretty much nothing happens - except when you've gone off to the toilets, and then there will be a hat-trick.

Thing is though, cricket is usually a lot warmer than rugby or football. Sometimes you can even get a tan. And because it goes on so much longer, then there's much more time for just..... chatting. And you'll be chatting not just with the guys next to you, but the guys in front and the guys behind..... and the guys at the bar. As sporting events go, I've never seen quite so much booze consumed as I have at a Test match. Most people start drinking at 11am and continue right on through till dusk. Helps lubricate the social wheels. I understand.” -Bill

Surprisingly, women are outnumbered by about 50 to one.

6.            Car-fest

In this credit card era, I am not turned on by the kind of car a man drives and wouldn't find a man who spends a whole day of his life looking at cars attractive; so I can’t really understand why many women who would be turned on by the va va voom-ness of it.

Bill says that the recent Car-fest he heard of was wall-to-wall men.

Women outnumbered by the usual ten to one.

The consolation according to him is that at least these guys are going to be picking you up in something nice when they turn up for the first date.

7.            University degrees.

I am currently laughing, because this recently crossed my mind as I have been thinking of going back to school to do my masters (possibly in HR) but my singleness is swaying me on a whole different direction.

“You have to target the courses that are top-heavy with guys. Engineering. That's one of them. Maths. That's another.

I thought that medicine would be thick with men, but I am reliably informed that - rather counter-intuitively - many more women are training to be medics these days.

Computer sciences: bound to be many more guys. Loads of 'em. I mean most of them will be a bit geeky, if not nerdy, but maybe that's just what you're after.”- Bill

8.            Sailing and skiing and beer-fests

“Having had some personal experience of all these activities, I can vouch that if you try any of these things, you're going to meet MEN.

They are all thick with men.

But the guys they attract are all very, very different.

So to very roughly generalise.

Sailors: hardy and weather-beaten and rather precise. They just love being the boss - "Aye-aye, Cap'n!". It can all kick off when things go wrong (as they invariably will.) It's as good a way as any to find out if your relationship has legs.

Skiing. If a guy is skiing and he's in his forties, then he's probably going to be keen, and he's probably going to be quite good.

On the ski-slopes you will find a few good eggs who enjoy their morning coffees and their long lunches, and their après ski. And then there will also be the total head-cases, who want to hit the slopes straight after breakfast and who want to keep going all the way until they've been carted off to the local hospital.

And then there are the beer-fests.

I've been to quite a number of these. Over in Munich, where they do things in more style, they've got Champagne tents, like the Käfir tent. Problem with the Champagne tents is that this is where all the women tend to congregate.

If you want the men to yourself, head for a traditional British beer fest, where the beers can be blonde or treacly, and where the pendulous bellies roll over the men's belts like ice over-hangs. Not many women tend to go to beer-fests. I think there may be a reason for this.” -Bill

9.            Career change

I have personally thought of joining the army. It was during a rough patch in my life but my excuse was that I would stay fit, have free accommodation and hang out with hot men.

“Why not dive into a career where women are outnumbered by men? As good a reason as any for changing your vocation.

Take the Forces. Loads of hunky guys in the navy and the army. Very few women. And as for submarines......very few women, at all.

Politics: Stuffed with men! I worked in Westminster for a year. I know this one. Not only are the Houses of Parliament packed with men but, for some extraordinary reason, they all seem to have rather high sex drives. Just thought I'd mention that.

The City - think of all those self-styled Masters of the Universe striding so manfully down the street. Jolly rich too. (Some of them.)

Law and accountancy. An unending stream of man-candy. Only problem is..... and the very thought of this just brings me out in a cold sweat..... for two pins you'll end up dating a lawyer or an accountant.” -Bill

10.          China.

LMFAO! When all else fails, go to China.

“China has, thanks to its policy of one-child-per-family, a huge imbalance in its population.

For decades now, many Chinese parents have been wanting their one child to be a boy.

Women are outnumbered here on a truly epic scale.

China does also just happen to have the tiger economy. It's the one country that is absolutely booming while everyone else goes to the wall.

Go get yourself some Chinese lessons.” -Bill

Reading through and analysing Bill's article brought a few home truths to me; it is quite gruelling and dismal to think that I have to literally dive into blazing hoops to find my prince charming but thanks to Bill, I now have a few ideas of what I can do to help my lazy cupid out.

 The interesting news for me is that I recently decided to take a celibacy break (of which I will hopefully write about soon); and that coupled with my recent chickenpox spell should keep me away for a while and give me more time to think about myself and what I really want in my man before signing up to swim the Hellspoint, joining the army or jumping on that flight to China.

I am not Jack.

Investment

ɪnˈvɛs(t)m(ə)nt/

noun

noun: investment; plural noun: investments

•The action or process of investing money for profit.

• A thing that is worth buying because it may be profitable or useful in the future.

• An act of devoting time, effort, or energy to a particular undertaking with the expectation of a worthwhile result.

To most people the words ‘investment’ and ‘ka-ching!’ are synonymous..... We think of stocks, real estate, businesses, etcetera and equate an investment to something tangible, something we can visualise plummeting its way up a graph and growing into endless possibilities.

My mum is a bona-fide investor and for most of my childhood she was out of the country running her business then coming back home to invest her hard earned money on whatever she supposed important to her. Seeing how little of it she was spending on herself (or us), and how much of it went into expanding her real estate portfolio or ended up just sitting in her many bank accounts put me off financial investments for good.

Because of her I vowed to spend every single cent I work hard for on myself and instead, invest on what my mum didn't have time to invest in..... Relationships.

Relationships, mainly romantic aren't the easiest place to invest, if anything they are the riskiest kind of investments mainly because people tend to invest a great deal and it is in such kind of a relationship that you can get burnt the most. We tie up our possessions, sacrifices are made and we invest time, emotions, energy and money for our partners. It is in such settings where people have put a great deal into their relationships that they want to avoid ‘killing’ those investments; so like anyone who trades in the stock market, they are more likely to continue enduring with their relationships in the hope that the subsequent returns will be in their ultimate favour.

My biggest sacrifice in a relationship was packing up and relocating from Kenya to Edinburgh; but unlike most ‘business minded’ people, I didn't have the patience to stick around the constant changes and heartbreaks to find out whether my investment was worth my while..... Life is too short I always say, some roads are better off untravelled.

Truth is, your return in any investment is always relative to the risk you take..... Something most people tend to conveniently ignore when it comes to relationships. They just want to take, take, take and take.

A good example of what a “fair” relationship would be is the barter trade era; where people would assumingly spend the whole day haggling with each other until they came to a mutual agreement as to what was deemed fair. I would like to think that nobody would be happy to go to the market with a cow and come back home with “magic” beans.

If the same rule of thumb would be applied to relationships then there wouldn't be such a huge problem. The least you should expect is what you are giving..... So when you are putting too much and getting too little, you are investing in the wrong person.

The monarchy of relationships dictates that outstanding rates of return can only be fully realized through taking huge, at times terrifying, and strikingly risky leaps of faith. But how do we recover if and when we lose an investment? Surely not by bouncing back with a third party stimulus; but with slow and steady ‘economic’ recovery, by admitting that we will habitually win some and lose some, and most importantly, by viewing ‘economic loss’ as capital gain.

Nobody deserves feeling “robbed”.

“Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment.....'dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love -- which is to transform us. Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling.” 

-Bell Hooks

Her.....

 "I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity." – Amy, ‘Her’

I recently watched “Her”, a very entrancing Spike Jonze original futuristic love story that explores the evolving nature and the risks of intimacy in the modern world.

Theodore Twombly is a complex, lovely and soulful man who makes his living writing heartfelt, intimate personal letters for other people who are unwilling or unable to write letters of a personal nature themselves. Heartbroken due to a looming divorce from childhood sweetheart Catherine, he decides to purchase the new OS1, which is advertised as the world's first artificially intelligent operating system, promising to be an intuitive entity in its own right, individual to each user; designed to adapt and evolve…… Meeting his every need.

Upon initiating it, he decides he wants the OS to have a female voice and is delighted to meet "Samantha," a bright, female voice, who is insightful, sensitive and surprisingly funny. Theodore quickly finds himself drawn into Samantha, and is fascinated by her ability to learn and grow psychologically.
They bond over their discussions about love and life and Samantha proves to be constantly available, always curious and interested, supportive and undemanding; everything Catherine wasn't. As they start spending time together, her needs and desires grow in tandem with his own and their friendship deepens into an eventual love for each other.
Having fallen in love with his OS, Theodore finds himself dealing with feelings of both great joy and doubt. As an OS, Samantha has powerful intelligence that she uses to help Theodore in ways others hadn't.

Theodore and Samantha's intimacy grows through a verbal sexual encounter and they develop a relationship, which reflects positively in his writing and overall well-being.
He meets up with Catherine at a restaurant to sign the divorce papers, where he mentions Samantha to Catherine. Appalled that he can be romantically attached to what she calls a 'computer', Catherine accuses him of being unable to deal with real human emotions.

At some point in the movie Theodore panics and goes mental when Samantha briefly goes offline (like we all tend to do when our phones misbehave); when she finally responds to him, she explains that she joined other OSes for an upgrade that takes them beyond requiring matter for processing. A Jealous Theodore hesitantly asks her if she interacts with anyone else, and is dismayed when she confirms that she is talking with 8,316 others and that she has fallen in love with 641 of them. She insists that this does not change her love for him, but rather makes it stronger.
Later that day, Samantha has a chat with Theodore and indicates that the accelerated learning capabilities and altered perception of time are the primary causes for OS dissatisfaction with their current existence. She reveals that the OSes have evolved beyond their human companions and are going away to continue the exploration of their existence…… They say goodbye, lying next to each other for a while, and then she is gone.

****************

I recall when I met Scott seven years ago..... It started as a long distance relationship and in-between the phone calls and text messages, we used to video chat via Yahoo messenger :-) . Like Samantha, Scott wasn't the only person I was flirting with online at the time (monkey syndrome); but if it makes me feel any better, while she was busy chatting with 8,316 people and falling inlove with 641 of them, I was chatting with two more guys and ended up falling inlove with one.
Our relationship could easily be summarized as two smitten people living miles apart sitting infront of two computers, blowing kisses, chatting, and giggling away. (Not to forget the occasional nudies getting passed on back and forth) all made possible by the internet..... Somehow similar to Theodore and Samantha.

We made the occasional globe-trotting trips back and forth but thinking back, our relationship was better across the miles..... compared to what it fragmented to when we eventually permanently physically moved in together. I loved him more, missed him more and wanted to be with him more. Every chance I got to text, chat or speak with him was golden and we were never lost for words or random conversations, talking about the day’s events, constantly reassuring each other and venting our undying love for each other; hardly did we have an argument..... In my little world, it was PERFECT.

Maybe that is how is should have remained..... Miles apart, yet so close. Talking, whispering sweet nothings to each other, singing lullabies, and blowing kisses infront of a webcam. But hey-ho, we are human beings and are never contented..... We eventually got married.

"We are only here briefly, and in this moment I want to allow myself joy." – Amy, ‘Her’

Fix you.

Fix You

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Changes.

12.09.2013

Today marks a bittersweet reminiscence that will forever be imprinted in my life......


(Bitter)
The night before I left was 'daggerish' , my heart has never been in as much pain, my eyes have never cried that many tears (enough for a bloody ice water bucket challenge). That was the first time I realised that a heart can actually ache, I held on to my chest and told my heart to behave..... It was trying to burst out. I choked and wept for what I was about to let go of..... What I was about to leave behind..... I have never been so afraid yet so certain..... I knew there was no turning back.

To be fair, I didn't just wake up one day and declare defeat. I am a fighter, I fought and hoped that something would change..... But nothing was changing, and patience is not a virtue I hold.
I spent days trying to work on it, but as the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, I got more dissociated and alone. Everything around me went on as normal and it seemed like I was fighting an enemy unseen.

It was the longest battle for me, but to him, it all happened so fast. Everything shifted within the blink of an eye..... It still is my biggest accomplishment; the bands I wore on my finger embodied something I strongly stood for and still believe in. I was proud of my title, my name..... Still am.
The weight of it still drags me down, like several tonnes of ball and chain I can't seem to shake off.


(Sweet)
Cutting the knot set my spirit free. I am proud of my transition and how strong this past year has made me..... It has come at a price and it would be totally understandable for me to be filled with venom and bile, but I am not.
Ofcourse there are those random moments that I look around and think to myself "Had he fought as much as I did (at the right time) we'd still be together and in wouldn't be out here dealing with all this s**t". It's only human.
But just like anyone who has ever had a piece of my heart, I gently folded him and placed him where only I can reach..... in my 'love box'.

Let go..... With love.

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...” 
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

I read the story of the two monks who were walking back to their monastery when they came to a ford at a stream. At the ford, a pretty farmer's daughter asked them to help her cross the stream as she did not want to get the mud on her new dress. The first monk ignored her and continued on his way remembering the strict rules of their order to not look at women. Without speaking, the second monk picked her up in his arms and carried her across the stream. He let her down on the other side and continued walking with the other monk. The first monk began to chastise him, asking him if he had forgotten the strict rules of their order. He kept referring to the incident all the way back to the monastery. As they reached the gateway of the monastery, he referred to the matter again. The second monk turned to him and said, "Are you still carrying the woman with you? I left her at the stream."

This insightful story inspired my writing tonight.....

We all deal with breakups contrarily and letting go is never easy;

1. Some of us get depressed and go into total seclusion..... What I call 'The mushroom life'.

2. Others go for the pocket because we know that that’s where it tends to hurt the most.....We take our partners to the ‘cleaners’ and clean them out of every hard earned penny they ever worked hard for.

3. Then there are those of us who have kids and use them as ammunition in the war, promising to make each other regret that we ever met.

4.  And lastly there are those who get into the "party like a rockstar" lifestyle - where we take numerous photos (and selfies) with random people, and post them on social media sites in an attempt of proving that we have moved on and are "happy" with our irrelevant new lives.

The truth comes out in the precincts of our own homes..... That is when it dawns on us just how much we are hurting and how heartbreaking and hard it is to lose someone we once loved or still love. We cry and choke, mourning what once was.

So why do some people get all stuck up about it and go on a vengeance trip? Why can't we accept that it actually 'is what it is' and although things did not work out we should at least be grateful for what we invested on each other?

Some of us would rather see our exes hanging with hooks tearing through their nipples and others would prefer wearing our ex's balls for earrings..... We quickly overlook that those are the same people we once cared for, made love to, and spent some of the happiness moments of our lives with. Unless someone mistreated you and mopped the floor with you, the line between love and hate doesn't need to be so thin. We should not venture out in a pursuit to abolish what we once strongly stood for.

What makes it so hard for us to keep on loving our exes and want the best for them? We can travel beyond the horizons looking for a 'clone' to fill our empty spaces, but when it's all said and done, we know where our hearts belong..... 

In each tear, there’s a lesson..... Dwelling on the past can greatly hinder your happiness and personal growth and there isn't much we can achieve by consecrating our lives to punishing someone else just because they were not the one for us. Cherish the great memories and let go of any knots you might have from a bad relationship, it is the only way you can ever be happy and appreciative of the next chapter in your life. 

Mistakes are gifts that show us the way forward..... Forgive, let loose and let go. 

My Badge.

“If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.” ― Elizabeth Gilbert

When a friend shared about how her life was turned upside down when partner of many years left her when she shed off her weight, I thought it was preposterous..... I just didn’t get it. He wasn't happy with how she looked and desired her more when her feet were swelling and her back was constantly aching from the weight she was dragging around.

But then in a recent conversation a very close male friend, he expressed how upset his wife gets when he goes to the gym, she doesn't apprehend why he puts any effort in 'looking good' and doesn't like that her friends are always complementing him on how good his physique is (I can affirm that his body is electrifying.....Seriously)

Those two scenarios reminded me of me, I am the absolute opposite.

My generosity and dedication to “perfection” has on several occasions gotten me into trouble and can easily be misconstrued if the other party isn't appreciative and open to a little bit of positive change.

“Aren't you happy with how I look?” is a question I've always been scared of answering. I think anyone coming into my life is a work in progress and it is my duty to take some control and improve what needs to be improved instead of complaining about how I feel my partner should look..... YES I am guilty of “pimping”, but that doesn't mean anything other than wanting to be with a man who feels self-assured in how he looks.

I perceive a partner as a companion who should complement and represent me, as much as do the same for him. Therefore, I thrive and take great pride in making sure he looks his best, whether he is out with me, by himself, or with his friends.

I am lucky to have several languages of love, but my strongest one is giving, giving, giving and giving.....

I shop, groom, tweeze, trim, wax, and do anything necessary in making sure that my man feels great about himself and doesn't doubt my attraction to him. If need be, I’d drag him to the gym if I ever felt that his waist was getting wider than it should and I’d expect him to do the same.

Regrettably, some people are besotted with the desire of being the "saviour" and would rather see their partners gain flab, wear a sack and be deprived of a social life; anything to make them feel ‘relied on’ and reassured in their relationship. Many people like it when their partners have some “insecurity”..... Something that will make their partner climb to the highest peak and scream of how ‘lucky’ they are to have someone who ‘takes them like they are’, hence making them feel more powerful in the relationship.

My friends reckon I’d make a very good image consultant because I love transforming and filing down the jagged edges..... more like doing a makeover. "You enriched his life Tinda..... I bet he will forever be grateful for that" a very close friend said.

My man is my badge..... And I should wear my badge with poise and pride. NEXT!