Organ Donation...... Aye or Nay? :-,

Have you had a kindness shown?
Pass it on'Twas not given for thee alone, Pass it on
Let it travel down the years,
Let it wipe another's tears,
'Til in Heaven the deed appears …… Pass it on.-Henry Burton, Pass It On

I have always tried to be as generous as I can be, and if I had the means I would share everything I had with everyone I could. But that is not the case, all I can do is touch the few hearts that walk in and out of my life and try to make the most of my time while I’m alive.

“I love your shoes Tinda, they are sooooooo awesome!!!!” Someone says,   

“Do you want them?” I ask

“Are you kidding me? Don’t you like them?” someone asks,

“Of course I like them, but I think you like them and would appreciate them more” I answer.

That is the kind of person I am.

I have never seen the need of holding onto something I hardly use knowing that someone else would need it more. Hence the reason I registered myself as an organ donor. That was the quickest decision I ever made in my life.

I can not donate my whole cadaver to be pot on a cold metallic table and studied by students. I can not let my organs get pickled in jars for scientific studies. But I can let met heart beat in someone else's chest if need be and I can live with the thought of my kidneys filtering someone else's urine after having a nice drink. 

All I did was tick a few boxes and the next thing I knew I had received my donor card and a letter thanking me for taking the big step by deciding to donate my heart, lungs, liver, pancreas and kidneys (I refused to give up my brown eyes and by bum, those and the rest of me are MINE TO KEEP!)

                                    caption (Your eyes deserve a better afterlife. PLEDGE THEM)

Now according to some statistics.

• Each of us is 4 or 5 times more likely to find ourselves in need of a donated organ than to become an organ donor.
• 73% of us would accept a donated organ, yet 62% of us have not signed up for organ donation. 
• More than 40% of families refuse permission for donation of their loved ones organs.
• 69% are in favour of an opt-out system, with 31% unsure or with a clear wish to opt out. 

 Depending on the circumstances in which I will die, my organs might be donated to someone else…… Someone who has been on an organ waiting list due to an unpronounceable disease or a self inflicted ‘situation’ and is probably hoping that someone else will die so they can live.

I recently watched Will Smith’s ‘Seven Pounds’ and after seeing a representation of how desperate some really nice people were to stay alive, I knew that what I did was right. 

But unlike Will, I haven’t yet decided that my life is worthless and that someone else would make more use of what I have inside me.

This organ donating business is tricky you know…… There is the thought of whether or not my organs will be well preserved in death.

What if I end up rotting in a dump? Or toasted in some fire? What if I decide to drink a ‘cocktail’ that will make me sleep for good? Then my organs won’t be any good to anyone, right? ……. If my organs are going to play a role in giving someone else a second chance, they have to make sure that whichever way I die, they rush me into hospital in time for someone who is almost giving up on the wait.

Then I watched Mel Gibson’s ‘How I spent my summer holidays’ and thought to myself…… What if the liver I have taken care of all my life is attached to someone who has polluted and overworked their liver with alcohol? What if my precious lungs are given to someone who decided to make their lungs an internal chimney? And what if the heart I constantly take to the gym will end up with someone who will walk it into McDonalds and clog it with fat until it shuts down? (again?)

What good will I have done to give someone who couldn't take care of themselves a second chance? (sigh) of course I won’t have the chance to decide who my organs should go to before they lay me down and cut me up……. I had a conversation with my very special friend Sabina who told me that I can actually choose whom my organs go to. Her ideal candidate for her organs would be a vegan (who loves organic food, scented candles and yoga; and is ideally atheist "Waheeeeeeeeeeeey!"). Her worst candidate would be a Catholic butcher (LMFAO!).

I mean, the worst thing that can happen is for my organ to be donated to a racist, my ashes will literally turn in the urn if that happened; but I also fear that the person at the top of the list might be a present or future paedophile, junkie, murderer etc (you get my drift don’t you?).  But I won’t have the choice, will I?

All I can do is hope that any of my organs will be good enough for people who will make something good out of themselves and the people around them.

"Don't think of organ donation as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive.  It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive."-Author Unknown

Let's talk about the Bill.

You know that awkward moment at the end of a meal, when the bill is set in the middle of the table waiting on someone to reach out and grab it? And in some serious cases the phones come out simultaneously for calculation purposes….. It is the kind of tension that would make the sharpest knife shy, right?

Now I just got back from having a nice meal by the sea with a friend and her friend; and after splitting the bill, we started talking about going Dutch i.e. splitting the bill equally, going German i.e. people paying their share or I would call going African i.e. Letting the man settle the bill or letting whomever extended the invite settle the bill.

According to my good friend Google, going Dutch is close to "faire moitié-moitié" or "faire moite-moite" in France, which means "each one pays half of the bill". This usually does not include women, who according to traditional French "étiquette" should not pay when there are also men present. In a business meeting, the receiving party usually pays for all - it is considered rude not to do so, and rarely (if ever) occurs.

In some parts like India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran, it is even considered taboo to ask people to pay their own bills. The bills are generally paid by the elder of a group, the male in a couple, the local of the area, or by the one who made the invitation if there is no significant age gap. Invitations are only given if someone understands that they can pay for all of the guests (which are very similar to what most of us do in Kenya.) In my tribe, we have a name for the person who is known to pay the bills and get others eating off his hand. We call him 'Mutingoi' meaning Boss. A typical 'Mutongoi' would be very angry at anyone trying to steal their limelight by paying a bill at their table and men are always fighting to show that they are indeed, the Boss.

I take pride in my ‘going African’ and as much as I like paying my way through life, there are so many times where I have chosen not to play “Miss. independent” and I do not in the slightest way regret it. I remember once saying to my brother “I don’t care how much I earn, my money is my money and his money is my money.”…..

well, that in some aspects is true.

In the scenario where I invite a man (or woman) out, I will not let them touch the bill….. I will settle it, tip whenever necessary and thank them for the wonderful company.

Then there are those “sponges” that always show up and just want to soak up the juice without chipping in at all. I once fell out with a friend because she would happily have one drink after another (and sometimes a meal) on a night out yet never chipped in when the bill was placed on the table. Did I even mention the fact that she was earning more money than me? -sigh-

If a man takes me out on a date, I will not offer nor expect to pay the bill; and unlike many women out there (raising my freshly tweezed right eye brow) I will not show up with my relatives and friends who will end up drinking the most expensive bottle of champagne and eating the finest caviar and truffles. I will show up alone and have what I’d normally have on a normal meal out and would expect the man to happily foot the bill, give a tip and pull out the chair for me with a big smile on his face.

If I go out with a friend or a bunch of friends the most common thing is splitting the bill, regardless of who ate what. It is the trickiest situation for scrooges though, because they find it unfair to pay more yet all they were expecting to pay for was for their bowl of soup and a glass of lemon water. My advice for such people is to state their financial situation before the orders are placed. A simple “I am sorry guys, but I will just have something small because I am skint today.” would go a long way in such cases; just make sure you don’t make a reputation out of it (chuckle).

Some men still feel that as men, they would like to be the one to pay for dinner, as this makes them feel more masculine, and they think it's polite to follow old fashioned etiquette (I like such men). At the same time, some women like to assert their “independence”, and don't like to feel obligated to their date in any shape or form, and so prefer to pay their way.

I don’t think a woman should make a habit of sponging off men; neither do I think that a woman should insist on paying for the bill if she’s been invited on a date by a man. I personally find it insulting and detrimental to a man’s ego for a woman to insist on settling a bill.

My advice for men who hang around “independent women”, if for whatever reason, she absolutely insists on paying, the simple solution is to just let her do it. Weigh the cost of angering her versus the slight embarrassment of her whipping out her plastic for both of you in a fancy restaurant. This issue is definitely not worth fighting over, but you can make sure that the next time you go out with her, she is fully aware about the fact that you are paying.

So in real sense, there are no solid rules on who pays the bill….. Going Dutch, German or African is all determined by etiquette and the circumstances that led to the bill.

Nature vs. Nurture.

A child is born with the potential ability to learn Chinese or Swahili, play a kazoo, climb a tree, make a strudel or a birdhouse, take pleasure in finding the coordinates of a star. Genetic inheritance determines a child's abilities and weaknesses. But those who raise a child call forth from that matrix the traits and talents they consider important." Emilie Buchwald

A few days ago I was watching an amazing movie called Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, it is about an atheist renowned fisheries expert called Jones who works on a project to bring salmon fishing to the Yemen - a project being bankrolled by a wealthy Yemeni sheikh who loves fly fishing. 

The salmon is meant to be imported from Scotland but because of the spirited opposition by fly fishermen to removing salmon from British rivers, they are forced to proceed with farmed salmon. The sheikh does not believe that salmon bred in captivity will ever survive because they won’t have the natural instinct to won’t to swim upstream to spawn on gravel beds like wild salmon; even Jones is doubtful. The sheikh rejects the offer but eventually Jones convinces the sheikh to give the farmed salmon a try.

Although his science background tells him otherwise, Jones has faith that the salmon will instinctively swim upstream - a faith the sheikh finds ironic.

On the salmon launch day, they open the pods, at first the salmon float with the Yemen river current, but then one fish starts to swim upstream, and then others, and soon everyone celebrates the success of the project.  

And here is where the Nature vs. Nurture debate comes to play.

I ve always felt that in many ways, my older brother Mark and I are the same. Apart from having similar birth marks, we have a similar sense of humour; we share similar opinions and are similarly stubborn. However, we hugely vary in certain abilities and our approach to difficult situations. 

He tends to lock himself up whenever he is going through a hard time and I tend to open up to the universe whenever my day isn't going on so well. I also am more ruthless, decisive and would rather stay up and fight while he is a bit passive, indecisive and would rather ‘sleep it off and leave it for another day.’

Mark aside, I happen to have been brought up by a very similar mother.

I could easily say that I am a very strong willed woman who is not one to settle for less and if pushed, can cross the limits to get what she wants..... Now I know that that is scary and as much as I know what I am capable of, I have thankfully never been pushed to that extent, but I am always worried that I have in some aspects turned out to be my mother’s daughter.

Now I am not trying to say that I was brought up by Cruella de Vil and her many Dalmatians; my mother is a very inspirational woman with a very inspirational story. She rose from nothing to something and it is her exceptional will power that drove her to where she is today.

Mum went through a really hard time; she was forced to drop out of college so her brothers could go through school and ended up with an abusive husband who used to beat the living daylights off her and eventually took her back to her mother when he got fed up with her. Had she decided to ‘accept her circumstances’, I would be somewhere in the village with cracked heels, drooping boobs and several hungry and malnourished kids tagging behind me like a pack of dogs to their master.

But she never settled; she got out of the village and went into the city with her kids in search for a better life; after walking away from several malfunctioning relationships, she eventually got a man who made all of us happy, the man whose name I proudly wear like a badge of honour.

Now not everyone is as lucky as I am, some parents do get comfortable in their ‘poverty’ and assume that there isn't much they can do to change things.

What makes me who I am? What brings my dreams to reality?

Buddah once said, "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" and I do agree with him.

Luckily, I have never really struggled in my life; of course I have had some episodes of bumps and hiccups, but most things I have wanted have in one way or another been delivered to me. 

I am a very strong believer in the power of attraction and I know that “You can be anything you want to be, only if you put your mind into it.”

Nature would have wanted me to be poor, nature would have wanted me I grow up in my circumstances and get over it.....

So has nature taught me anything positive along the way? I guess it has. 

I can give credit where it is due, Nature has taught me how to be selfless and how to love people with every single hair on my body. It has also taught me that there is more to life than shoving people out of my way to get my share of the pie.

I do disagree with my mother on many occasions, but she has taught me several consequential lessons along the way, 1. To get what’s mine, 2. To walk out of any relationship that doesn't work out for me and 3. Never to have kids (which she strongly disagrees with by the way but that will be another story for later.)

And when it's all said and done, in theory I am who I am due to a little bit of  nature, nurture..... and some handy free will.  

"The route through childhood is shaped by many forces, and it differs for each of us. Our biological inheritance, the temperament with which we are born, the care we receive, our family relationships, the place where we grow up, the schools we attend, the culture in which we participate, and the historical period in which we live--all these affect the paths we take through childhood and condition the remainder of our lives." 

Robert H Wozniak.

Act like a Lady, think like a Lady.

“Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition” 

Timothy Leary

The problem with most women is that they always get engrossed in being better than men and after painfully watching a Nairobi girl in the name of Susan harass and intimidate a lovely young man called George on a ‘date’, I have officially given up my hope in some women ever finding happiness leave alone husbands (and I am in no way, shape or form trying to imply that all women should be in a lifetime pursuit of husbands.)

This Susan girl literally stripped the guy down in the pursuit of acting like a “Diva” -Rolling my eyes.-
Attached, please find a link of the ‘date’ and experience what I experienced because I honestly don’t have the right words to express the episode. It should have been renamed “How to annoy anybody and get the whole African continent running after you with machetes and flaming torches in 21minutes and 43seconds.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow0IA98ldXc

My advice to any woman intending on ever doing that in national television, PLEASE DO YOUR HOMEWORK AND DO SOME FACT FINDING BEFORE YOU GO AROUND WITH STUPIDITY OOZING FROM YOUR HEAD.

But Susan is not the only female being who has tried to show her date that she is a  “Diva”, there are so many women who get men sprinting for the caves and hills due to their Miss-Independent-‘Feminist’ attitude.

There is logic in why women look different to men; nature never intended for us to look scary and intimidating, hence the reason we have curves and ‘soft bits’ here and there while men are 'hard, hairy and scary'. We are meant to make the most complex of situations seem like a simple stroll in the park; but I bet most men including my husband would highly disagree with my notion.
He probably thinks that Karma led me into his life to make him pay for the horrid mistakes he made in his past life..... Now I'd say the same about him, but I will leave that story for a later date. (chuckle)

Bottom line is, every woman should know her capabilities and should never be bothered trying to prove that she can stomp her feet and do the ‘ugly dance’ whenever she is vexed.

In my life, I have had the pleasure of getting my way without the need of trivializing and making anybody who has ever disappointed me feel like a piece of excrement..... My irrelevant opinion is that there is more to life than ‘wearing the pants’ and to be honest I've never enjoyed anything more than I enjoy being a woman.

So please forget those expensive ‘female empowering’ books, conferences and campaigns; you’d be surprised how far a simple nod and a smile (or smug) while looking straight into a man’s eyes can get you..... (Delilah and Jezebel knew my secret too.)

Shopping with friends?.....I'll gladly pass.

“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
Jane Austen

In the spirit of brutal honesty, ill be totally honest; as fun as hanging out with my friends is, I pretty much hardly go shopping with them. It's just too distracting and although I like shopping I'd rather accompany a friend on a shopping spree than have them accompanying me.

Now I don’t mind waiting for someone else to change and 'unchange' into different outfits and do a little twirl for me, but I wouldn't be caught dead doing that. I am a weird but simple shopper; the kind that buys the same dress in 7 different colours and the same pair of shoes in 3 different colours (lol). I don’t spend time in the dressing room trying to figure out why a size 10 from Zara won’t go beyond my hips yet the same size from Gap fits me like a glove (which is very weird by the way)

The good thing about me is I am the kind of friend I would recommend to Tom, Dick, Harry, and their friends (doing a curtsy); not because of the fact that I have an utterly good eye for detail, but because I am above everything else...... Brutally honest.

If a friend walked out of the shop with something I didn't think looked good on them, I would hold it against me for the rest of my life. So I remain to be what I would expect a friend to be.
In my own little world, a shopping friend should be an amenable, jolly, selfless and brutally honest person. After all, who wants to spend the whole day around an impatient, selfish, menopausal-wanna-be on the verge of self destruction and would rather tell you that something looks abso-gorgeously fabulous on you just to get you out of the shop?

The horrible truth is, finding such a friend is not easy because most friends, infact, most human beings are either too discouraging or too encouraging.

The problem with overly discouraging friends (The ones that say “No, don’t get that! I am sure you can find it cheaper if you look for eeeeeeeeeeeendless hours on the internet!”) is that you end up never going shopping with them again, so they become irrelevant.

Overly encouraging friends a.k.a ‘Shopping enablers’ think they are being nice and conducive to happy times by telling you to buy EVERYTHING you try on, but they are not. They mean well, they think it will make you feel better, but they are not true shopping friends. Enablers are always fun in the moment but the regret that sets in later when you've already washed that unnecessary lingerie and worn those ankle breaking stilettos on a night out is never worth the encouragement.

My shopping rule of thumb is, if you find yourself thinking about it in two days, go back and get it…… if not, then you are better off without it. 

We all have eggshell-friends who can’t be entirely honest with for  the fear of upsetting them; don’t be that kind of friend.

Honesty is such an important quality in friendship (with occasional exceptions)..... And when it’s all said and done, I'd rather meet up with my friends and focus on the important things in life like laughing about our workmates and bitching about how “great” marriage life can be over a nice cup of tea and some really fattening scones :-) 

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”Charles Lamb 

The thin line between living and existing.

“I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.”  Jimi Hendrix

I got a call at work the other day; the lady at the other end of the line said to me “This is the strangest call you will probably ever receive..... I am dying in five months.....And I want to know how my estate will be divided, so I need a copy of my mortgage loan agreement sent to me. My husband is estranged and I have to do this alone.”

By the time I was done with that call I was breaking down in tears.

She said to me “You have been so pleasant with me, I really appreciate it. The doctors have tried everything but nothing has worked..... just cross your fingers and wish me luck.”

For a split second I wanted to dig in deeper and ask her what was she was ailing from, tell her that if she needed anyone to talk to I was there and tell her I loved her even though I didn't know her..... I wanted to tell her all that and a whole lot more. But I couldn't  that is not what my job entails. My jobs expects me to sit on the fence and not slip on the other side, it expects me to stay calm, be focused and composed.....I was despondent, I did break down and Stacey (my lovely work mate) was the one picking up my pieces after that call.

It reminded me of a Queen Latifah movie I watched years ago titled ‘Last holiday’; I will bore you (and myself) with a short synopsis just to paint a picture of where I am coming from. It is about Georgia Byrd, a shy, unassuming woman who works as an employee in the cookware department at Kragen's Department Store in New Orleans. She longs to cook professionally, and records her dreams of a better life in her journal labeled "Possibilities."

 It is the Christmas holiday season. While flirting with a co-worker, she bumps her head on a cabinet door and is taken to the store's health centre for a CAT scan. There she is told by company physician that she has several brain tumours resulting from a rare neurological disorder called Lampington's Disease which could be terminal if not treated. Since her health maintenance organization plan will not cover the exorbitant cost of an operation, Georgia resigns herself to the fact she has only a few weeks to live, quits her job, liquidates her assets, and sets off on a dream vacation at the deluxe Grandhotel Pupp in the spa city of Karlovy Vary in the Czech Republic.

Free of inhibitions and determined to live life to the fullest, Georgia checks into the Presidential Suite, buys a designer wardrobe in expensive boutiques, makes extensive use of the hotel's spa facilities, attempts snowboarding and base jumping off of a dam, enjoys succulent meals prepared by world-renowned Chef Didier (played by the magnificent Gérard Depardieu and wins a small fortune playing roulette in the casino (Yada..... Yada..... Yada.....)

To cut the long story short, while on her ‘holiday of a lifetime’ Georgia  receives a fax from her physician, in which he tells her that she was misdiagnosed due to X-rays generated by a broken, outdated CAT scanner.

The thought got me reflecting; what would I do if I knew my “expiry date” was due soon? Would I be glad to know, or would I be wretched? I know I would most probably be sad about it; and I would lock myself up in some small dark room and never see the light of day until the sand in my hour glass runs out.

But that quite different from what I would really want to do..... I would love to do everything I want to do NOW.

Go skydiving, bungee jumping, ride on a roller coaster, go deep sea diving in the Necker Island and probably spend my last days eating ham and melon in some tiny town Italy. I would also love to attend a Mascheranda Grand Ball in Venice and probably partake in a proper Venetian themed orgy (Just like the one Tom Cruise attempted to attend in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’)

Now that I have a vague description of what I would like to do if I knew that I was dying in a few weeks or months, it makes me wonder why I am not doing that given that I know that I am eventually going to die..... Sooner or later.

The true gentleman.

***** "The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe." ***** 

John Walter Wayland, Virginia, 1899

In public, a gentleman always wears something with sleeves, be they short or long, sleeves are imperative. A hard shoe – a shoe with a toe is what I mean by a hard shoe. We don’t want to see your toes. We don’t want to hear you flip-flopping through John Lewis. I want a shoe. A gentleman has sleeves and a shoe.

A gentleman would not discuss what happened the night before with a lady. That’s a given. Save that for the locker room, you hill-person. That’s what a roided up freak would do. I don’t think a gentleman would discuss what his car payment is. He never discusses finances, in general. He keeps it close to the vest.

A gentleman never raises his hand to a woman, though will often raise his eyebrow in astonishment at the absurdity of her imprudence; and he never threatens a lady, he merely informs her of the grave consequences of her actions.

When a gentleman courts a lady, he certainly opens up a car door for her. He waits for her to get in and once she says she’s in, he closes the door. A gentleman doesn't close the door on a leg. You know what a gentleman doesn't do? A gentleman doesn't sit on the same side of the booth at the restaurant. A gentleman sits across the booth. He makes eye contact and is engaging (Always remember that People require 18 inches of personal space, got to have a little breathing room.)

(So…… What else would a gentleman do for his date?) He would bring some flowers. He tips his hat. A gentleman always puts his jacket over a puddle. You know that. Now you don’t see that one much anymore; I can’t imagine any guy doing that.

(Scenario 1) A gentleman is in a movie theatre. He is trying to enjoy King’s Speech and someone nearby starts texting during the movie, causing an obvious distraction to him and the people around him. What does a gentleman do? A gentleman goes over and whispers quietly, ‘Please put your phone away. We’re trying to enjoy the movie.’

(Scenario 2) A gentleman is at the check out line, and then someone cuts in front of him in line. How does a gentleman handle a breach of line etiquette? A gentleman would go, ‘Sir, the line starts over there.’ Not stand back like a pussy and hope someone else says something.

(Scenario 3) A gentleman meets a nice lady. There’s a bit of a spark. She gives him her phone number. How long does a gentleman wait to call? A gentleman calls that woman back the next day and lets her know he’s interested. A gentleman does NOT play games.

A gentleman does not sit he merely squats above the seat to give the illusion he is sitting, at rest if you will, but the gentleman is always alert and ready.

A gentleman keeps his beard and nails trimmed. None of that grizzly nonsense.

A gentleman is never late; when he arrives two minutes late you can rest assured your clock is three minutes fast.

A gentleman never cooks; he merely assembles his desired ingredients near a heat source and after a period of quiet reflection, consumes the delectable results. (Whoever does the cooking is really none of his business.)

A gentleman does not need to walk; the shoes and the cane walk the gentleman.

A gentleman does not have a schedule; others have schedules to meet the demands of the gentleman. Oh, and he does not need to be notified, the gentleman already knows.

Now when it's all said and done, I wonder what happened to The True Gentleman. This is what I think happened .......