Let's talk about the Bill.

You know that awkward moment at the end of a meal, when the bill is set in the middle of the table waiting on someone to reach out and grab it? And in some serious cases the phones come out simultaneously for calculation purposes….. It is the kind of tension that would make the sharpest knife shy, right?

Now I just got back from having a nice meal by the sea with a friend and her friend; and after splitting the bill, we started talking about going Dutch i.e. splitting the bill equally, going German i.e. people paying their share or I would call going African i.e. Letting the man settle the bill or letting whomever extended the invite settle the bill.

According to my good friend Google, going Dutch is close to "faire moitié-moitié" or "faire moite-moite" in France, which means "each one pays half of the bill". This usually does not include women, who according to traditional French "étiquette" should not pay when there are also men present. In a business meeting, the receiving party usually pays for all - it is considered rude not to do so, and rarely (if ever) occurs.

In some parts like India, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Iran, it is even considered taboo to ask people to pay their own bills. The bills are generally paid by the elder of a group, the male in a couple, the local of the area, or by the one who made the invitation if there is no significant age gap. Invitations are only given if someone understands that they can pay for all of the guests (which are very similar to what most of us do in Kenya.) In my tribe, we have a name for the person who is known to pay the bills and get others eating off his hand. We call him 'Mutingoi' meaning Boss. A typical 'Mutongoi' would be very angry at anyone trying to steal their limelight by paying a bill at their table and men are always fighting to show that they are indeed, the Boss.

I take pride in my ‘going African’ and as much as I like paying my way through life, there are so many times where I have chosen not to play “Miss. independent” and I do not in the slightest way regret it. I remember once saying to my brother “I don’t care how much I earn, my money is my money and his money is my money.”…..

well, that in some aspects is true.

In the scenario where I invite a man (or woman) out, I will not let them touch the bill….. I will settle it, tip whenever necessary and thank them for the wonderful company.

Then there are those “sponges” that always show up and just want to soak up the juice without chipping in at all. I once fell out with a friend because she would happily have one drink after another (and sometimes a meal) on a night out yet never chipped in when the bill was placed on the table. Did I even mention the fact that she was earning more money than me? -sigh-

If a man takes me out on a date, I will not offer nor expect to pay the bill; and unlike many women out there (raising my freshly tweezed right eye brow) I will not show up with my relatives and friends who will end up drinking the most expensive bottle of champagne and eating the finest caviar and truffles. I will show up alone and have what I’d normally have on a normal meal out and would expect the man to happily foot the bill, give a tip and pull out the chair for me with a big smile on his face.

If I go out with a friend or a bunch of friends the most common thing is splitting the bill, regardless of who ate what. It is the trickiest situation for scrooges though, because they find it unfair to pay more yet all they were expecting to pay for was for their bowl of soup and a glass of lemon water. My advice for such people is to state their financial situation before the orders are placed. A simple “I am sorry guys, but I will just have something small because I am skint today.” would go a long way in such cases; just make sure you don’t make a reputation out of it (chuckle).

Some men still feel that as men, they would like to be the one to pay for dinner, as this makes them feel more masculine, and they think it's polite to follow old fashioned etiquette (I like such men). At the same time, some women like to assert their “independence”, and don't like to feel obligated to their date in any shape or form, and so prefer to pay their way.

I don’t think a woman should make a habit of sponging off men; neither do I think that a woman should insist on paying for the bill if she’s been invited on a date by a man. I personally find it insulting and detrimental to a man’s ego for a woman to insist on settling a bill.

My advice for men who hang around “independent women”, if for whatever reason, she absolutely insists on paying, the simple solution is to just let her do it. Weigh the cost of angering her versus the slight embarrassment of her whipping out her plastic for both of you in a fancy restaurant. This issue is definitely not worth fighting over, but you can make sure that the next time you go out with her, she is fully aware about the fact that you are paying.

So in real sense, there are no solid rules on who pays the bill….. Going Dutch, German or African is all determined by etiquette and the circumstances that led to the bill.